Humorous Quotes

Quotes which are funny, ironical, quirky, some of which are also profoundly true.

Musicians don’t retire; they stop when there’s no more music in them. - Louis Armstrong

My friend, when a man has anything to tell in this world, the difficulty is not to make him tell it, but to prevent him from telling it too often. - George Bernard Shaw

My friends tell me that I have a tendency to point out problems without offering solutions, but they never tell me what I should do about it. - Daniel Gilbert

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. - Benjamin Disraeli

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m Happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right? - Charles M. Schulz

My life story? I don't know. I'm making it up as I go along. - Unknown

My mind is not a bed to be made and remade. - James Agate

My people and I have come to an agreement which satisfied us both. They are to say what they please, and I am to do what I please. - Frederick The Great

My tongue swore, but my mind was still unpledged. - Euripides

My toughest fight was with my first wife. - Muhammad Ali

Never again will I spend another winter in this accursed bucketshop of a refrigerator called England. - Rudyard Kipling

Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not know the difference. - Mark Twain

Never attempt to murder a man who is committing suicide. - Woodrow Wilson 

Never attempt to teach a pig to sing.  It is a waste of time and annoys the pig. - Robert Heinlein

Never exaggerate your faults. Your friends will attend to that. - Robert C. Edwards