Humorous Quotes

Quotes which are funny, ironical, quirky, some of which are also profoundly true.

The telephone book is full of facts, but it doesn’t contain a single idea. - Mortimer Jerome Adler

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. - Fran Lebowitz 

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war. - E. B. White

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around. - Herb Caen

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back. - Franklin P. Jones

The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music stops. - Robert Helpman

The trouble with people is not that they don’t know but that they know so much that ain’t so. - Josh Billings

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. - Jane Wagner

The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy. - Ellery Queen

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born. - Elayne Boosler

The woman whose behavior indicates that she will make a scene if she is told the truth asks to be deceived. - Elizabeth Jenkins

The word "good" has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I would call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man. - Gilbert Chesterton