Humorous Quotes

Plain women are always jealous of their husbands. Beautiful women never are. They are always so occupied with being jealous of other women’s husbands. - Oscar Wilde

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. - Groucho Marx

Be leery of silence. It doesn’t mean you won the argument. Often, people are just busy reloading their guns. - Shannon L. Alder

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. - Elayne Boosler

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. - Fran Lebowitz

Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense. - Helen Rowland

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. - Erma Bombeck

Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it. - Unknown

Getting fit is all about mind over matter. I don't mind, so it doesn't matter. - Adam Hargreaves

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here. - Lauren Myracle

Quitting smoking is easy, I’ve done it hundreds of times. - Mark Twain

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