Here Is A Little Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

COMPETITIVE SALARY: 

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. 

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: 

We have no time to train you. 

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: 

We do not pay enough to expect that you will dress up well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. 

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: 

You will be six months behind schedule on your first day. 

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: 

Some time each night and some time each weekend. 

DUTIES WILL VARY: 

Anyone in the office can boss you around. 

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: 

We have no quality control. 

CAREER-MINDED: 

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). 

APPLY IN PERSON: 

If you are old, fat or ugly you will be told the position has been filled. 

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: 

You will need it to replace three people who just left. 

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: 

You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. 

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: 

Management communicates, you figure out what they want and do it. 

A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED: 

We are still guessing at this point.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: 

You will have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH:

It works okay, but looks very hi-tech.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING: 

Unbelievable! It actually worked.

THE ENTIRELY CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED: 

The only person who understood the thing quit.

I AM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: 

I have used Microsoft Office. 

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: 

I blame others for my mistakes. 

I AM PERSONABLE: 

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. 

I AM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: 

I carry a Day-Timer. 

I AM ADAPTABLE: 

I have changed jobs a lot. 

I AM ON THE GO: 

I am never at my desk.

I AM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: 

I pilfer office supplies. 

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: 

I hope you do not ask me about all the McJobs I have had.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: 

We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.