Cheesy Monday

Laugh when you can. A day without a laugh is a day wasted. If, for whatever reason, you find it difficult to laugh at the moment, maybe the following jokes will help to bring on a chuckle or two, or put a smile on your face at least.

I know, they are cheesy. But hey, I welcome anything that makes me laugh. I hope you do too. Laugh and the world laugh with you. Cry and you cry alone.

May your days be filled with laughter.

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Student: Sir, I have a complaint. I do not believe I deserve a zero on this exam.
Professor: Neither do I, but it is the lowest grade I can give.

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.
Patient: Give me the good news.
Doctor: They are going to name a disease after you.

A: Artificial intelligence cannot take your job if your job has never needed intelligence.
B: I don’t understand.
A: You’re safe!

A: Am I pretty or ugly?
B: You’re both
A: What do you even mean?
B: You are pretty ugly.

A: My teeth are turning yellow.
B: Do you smoke or drink coffee?
A: I drink it.

A: I once knew a man with one eye called Steve.
B: What do you think he would’ve called the other one?

A: I just fell off a 30 ft ladder in your orchard.
B: OMG, are you okay?
A: Oh yes, luckily I was just on the first step.

A: You know, running into debt isn’t all that bad.
B: You are right. It’s running into creditors that really hurts!

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Monday Humour

A hearty laugh will cure a multitude of ills. That’s why they say laughter is cheap medicine.

I think the world would be a better world when people are laughing and being cheerful. Right now, it looks like the world needs a lot of that.

I hope the following short jokes could bring on a chuckle. May your days be filled with laughter.

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The Mechanic

A guy arrived at an auto-mobile dealership to pick up his car. He was told the keys had been locked in it. He went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As he watched from the passenger side, he instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” he announced to the technician, “it’s open!”
His reply, “I know – I already got that side.”

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It Could Have Been Worse

There was a man whose store had been looted right down to the bare shelves.
“Did your lost a great deal?” asked a detective.
“Everything,” said the storekeeper. “But it could have been worse. I am lucky they didn’t loot he place the night before last.”
“How come?” said the detective.
“Well,” said the storekeeper, “yesterday I marked everything down forty percent.”

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Church Pews

The old usher was retiring and breaking in a new young usher to take his place. “Be polite and courteous.” The old-timer advised the boy, “and most importantly, remember that we have nothing but good Christians in this church – unless you try to put someone else in their pew.”

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Starting Over

When the earth was finally levelled in a nuclear holocaust, the only survivors were two apes. Sitting in a tree deep in the African jungle, the two were discussing the situation when one sighed and said, “Well, do you think we should start the whole thing over again?”

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Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband hat she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

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Monday Humour

Take a break from your problems, troubles, or difficulties to enjoy a laugh. Humour will help you to forget your troubles for a while. Your troubles will be there when you come back, but they might not seen as unsurmountable as before. In any case, you are back, refreshed and in a better frame of mind to tackle them.

Enjoy today’s selection of jokes, and may your days be filled with laughter.

Image created on Canva Grave News

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself, and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”

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Vote Democratic

Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, “I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizeable tip and say, ‘Vote Democratic.’”

His opponent said, “I have a better scheme, and it doesn’t cost me a nickel. I don’t give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, ‘Vote Democratic.’”

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The Bet

A holier-than-thou type went into a bookstore and ordered two Bibles.
“One is for me,” he explained to the clerk, “and the other is for the office bookie. I am trying to reform him.”
“I hope you succeed,” said the clerk.
“Me too,” said the young man. “The other guys bet me five to three I can’t.”

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Mr Sugarbrown’s Daughter

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr Sugarbrown’s daughter.”
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, “Aren’t you Mr Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

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Not Enough Chairs

A man took four friends to visit a big farm he owned. The visitors entered the tenant farmer’s house and were embarrassed to find the man only had two chairs. They stood around awkwardly until the owner said to the farmer, “I don’t believe you have enough chairs in here.”
“Got enough chairs,” said the farmer. “Just too damn much company!”

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Monday Humour

If you are finding it difficult to laugh in these troubled times, I hope the following humour, cheesy ones, I admit, will bring on a smile – at least.

I appreciate anything that can make me smile, or laugh out loud – even the cheesy ones. I hope you do too.

They say laughter is the best medicine, and the most wasted of all days is that which one has not laughed. So, laugh whenever you can. May your days be filled with laughter.

“The advantage of telling a ‘clean’ joke is that people might not have heard it before.” - Unkown

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Said one friend to another as they were viewing a small oil painting in a local museum, “It’s a nicely done portrait, I think, but I doubt it will ever get stolen.”

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One year, a guy decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

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The doctor was examining a young model who was having tremendous pain in her side.
“My dear, you have acute appendicitis,” the doctor said.
The woman became quite angry and said, “Don’t try hitting on me doctor, I just want to be examined, not complimented.”

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My wife was doing a crossword and was really struggling so I had a look to see where she’d gone wrong…
1-down was a five letter word and the clue was “Eggs on.”…
Correct answer “Goads”.
Her answer: “Toast”

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At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled, “Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.  

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Monday Humour

Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain. It's linked with improved cardiovascular health, pain relief, and immune system functioning. Laughter truly is a good medicine.

Take a look at today’s selection of humour. I hope they make you laugh. Have a great week ahead and may your days be filled with laughter.

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A rather snotty bachelor failed to acknowledge a dinner invitation, and when he met his would-be hostess on the street several days later, he remarked: “If I’m not mistaken, didn’t you ask me for dinner last Monday?”
“Of course,” said the woman. “Weren’t you there?”

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“I’m not happy with the photos you took of me,” said the man to the photographer. “They don’t do me justice.”
“You don’t want justice, mister,” cracked the photographer. “You want mercy!”

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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms!”

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When asked why he kept a bowl of gold fish on his desk, the harried plant manager answered, “It’s not that I like goldfish. I don’t. But I do like to have something in here that opens its mouth without asking for a raise.”

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Joyce told her husband that she would be overwhelmed with misery while she was away from him!
Her husband said: “Oh darling, if that were true, I’d be so happy!”

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Monday Humour

Cultivate and develop your sense of humour. Humour helps you to see the lighter side of things, in life. It helps you to keep light-hearted and not to take things too seriously. It helps you to enjoy life even when you do not have everything you want, or when things do not happen the way you expected them to. In fact, it is when things do not go your way that you need your humour most.

The important thing is to have a sense of humour. And not to lose your sense of humour no matter how tough life gets. Enjoy this week’s selection of humour! Have a great week ahead!

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A newly famous artist specialized in stormy seascapes. After a rather successful showing of his latest work, he was approached by an impressed viewer. “I think your work is tremendous.” Said the appreciator, “but what a shame you’ve had such bad luck with the weather.”

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A doctor in a clinic was interviewing a new patient. “If I find an operation necessary,” he asked, “would you have the money to pay for it?”
“Listen, Doc,” replied the man, “If I didn’t have the money, would you find the operation necessary?”

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A wife is dreaming in bed. She suddenly wakes up and shouts, “Quick, my husband is home!”
Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

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A woman who had just given birth to triplets was explaining to a friend that triplets happen just once in fifteen thousand times.
“Good heavens!” exclaimed the friend. “When did you ever find time to do housework?”

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I was doing a crossword the other day when I got stuck, so I asked my mum for help and told her the clue – ‘Overworked Postman’.
“How many letters?” she asked.
“Bloody thousands,” I answered.

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Laughter, The Best Medicine

As is my wont, I like to start the week with some humour. I enjoy all sorts of humour – even the cheesy ones. I appreciate anything that can make me smile or laugh out loud.

They say laughter is the best medicine, and the most wasted of all days is that which one has not laughed. So, laugh whenever you can.

If you are finding it difficult to laugh in these troubled times, I hope the following humour, cheesy ones, I admit, will bring on a smile – at least. May your days be filled with laughter.

Image created on Canva A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light a the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

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A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”
Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

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“May I take your order?” the waiter asked.
“Yes. I’m just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?”
“Nothing special sir,” he replied. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

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“I certainly wish you could bake bread the way my mother used to,” complained the husband.
“And I sure wish you could make the dough my father used to,” retorted the wife.

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“I’m stuck with one word on this crossword, the clue is a ten-letter word, similar to being silly.”
“Oh, well that’s ridiculous.”
“I know, I've been stuck on it for hours.”

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Cheeky / Cheesy Humour

Humour has an intellectual, as well as emotional element. Since we are all different, we respond to different types of humour. It doesn’t matter what kind of humour you indulge in, as long as it makes you laugh.

The important thing is to have a sense of humour. Having a sense of humour helps you to see the lighter side of things in everyday life. Laugh whenever you can. Where possible, help to spread some laughter wherever you go.

I hope the following selection of humour will bring on a chuckle, or at least put a smile on your face.

May your days be filled with laughter.

Police Chief: A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly moped floor?
Policeman: That’s correct.
Police Chief: Yet it took you 30 minutes to arrest her. Why?
Policeman: Because the floor was still wet.

Waiter: How did you find your steak sir?
Customer: I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.

Wife: Honey, what are you doing?
Husband: I’m reading a book
Wife: Then why are you crying?
Husband: Ending of the book is very sad
Wife: What book is that?
Husband: My bank book

Waiter: And what would you like, sir?
Customer: Could you bring we what the gentleman behind you is having please?
Waiter: I’m sorry sir. But I’m sure he intends to eat that, himself.

A: We bought a computer from you yesterday and it won’t turn on.
B: Press the big button.
A: I have.
B: Then try the cord at the back. Maybe it’s disconnected?
A: I’ll get a flashlight. Don’t go away, I’ll be fast.
B: Why do you need a flashlight?
A: It’s dark, we have no electricity.

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Jokes

Patient: Will I be OK Doc?
Doctor: I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus right now.
Patient: I don’t do that Astrolog stuff.
Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke!

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I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, he bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

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I went to the psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me 160 dollars. I gave her 80 dollars and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

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If you can’t think of a word say, “I forgot the English word for it.” That way, people will think you are bilingual instead of an idiot.

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Two women in a bus fought bitterly over the last available seat. The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, “Let the ugly one take the seat.” Both women stood for the rest fo the journey. Argument done!

Jokes

Jokes

Jokes

Jokes

Humour

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Mom and dad were fighting.
Teacher: So what makes you late if they were fighting?
Student: One of my shoes was in mom's hand, and the other in dad's.

A guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him, 'Nice perfume.....which one is it? I want to give it to my wife.'
The lady said,'Don't give her. Some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her.

Wife: I hate that beggar.
Husband: Why?
Wife: Rascal, yesterday I gave him food. Today he gave me a book on, "How to Cook!”

Enjoy these fresh two-liners

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what? Who's in a hurry?

One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.

Wife Sues Hospital For Husband's Lack of Sex Drive

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke’s Hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

Click Here for more humorous quotes, or Here for the book ‘Of Wit ‘n’ Humour’

Humour

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of without success.

The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help.

A man gets up from a nearby table, and with astonishing tranquility, without saying a word, lowers the boy's pants and squeezes his testicles.

The boy yells and spits out the coin. The gentleman with the same tranquility returns to his table without a word.

Soon, the mother calms down and approaches the gentleman to thank him for saving her son's life.

She asks, "Sir, are you a doctor?"

"No, ma'am," comes the reply. "I'm an Assistant Commissioner of the Inland Revenue Authority. We are trained to squeeze everyone's balls to make them cough up the last penny."

A Couple of Jokes

An inspirational speaker said, “The best days of my life were the days I spent with another man’s wife.”
Audience were in shock and silence. He added, “and she is my mother.”
A big round of applause and laughter followed.
One man who listened to the speech decided to crack this at home. After dinner, he said to his wife, “the best days of my life were the days I spent with another man’s wife …”
After a moment he tried to recall the second line …
By the time he regained his senses, he was in hospital bed, recovering from burns of hot water poured by his wife …
Moral of the lesson: Don’t copy if you cannot paste.

A cop pulled me over and said, “Your eyes are red, have you been drinking?”
I replied, “Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?”
We laughed and we laughed. I need bail money.

Jokes

My wife said to me: ‘If you won the lottery, would you still love me?’ I said: ‘Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.'

A woman ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”
The garbage man yelled, “No, jump in.” -

Phoebe: I guess we’re oil and water.
Dan: I’d say we’re more like gasoline and a blowtorch.

My mother texted me “What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?”
I answered: “I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.”
Mother: “OK, I’ll ask your sister.”

Buy a sheep. Name it Relation. Now you have a Relationsheep.

Some asshole looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and sarcastically asked, “Is that Budweiser or Heineken?”
I said, “There’s a tap underneath it, taste it.”

Jokes

Man came home, saw his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend. Wife says, “If you behave like this, you will lose all your friends.”

When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.' - Jerry Lewis

“Please keep your dog beside you, sir,” a woman said crossly to the man sitting opposite to her on the bench at the part. “I can feel a flea in my shoe.”
“Midnight, come here,” replied the man. “This woman has fleas.”

A: Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?” B: All the time.

Sardar: Doctor, my wife is pregnant. She is having pain right now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Sardar: No this is her husband speaking.

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

Jokes

Dear Algebra:
Please stop asking us to find your X.
She's never coming back, and don't ask Y. - Unknown

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I took a cab the other day and the driver said to me, "I love my job, I own this car. I've got my own business, I'm my own boss, and NO ONE tells me what to do ..."
I said, "Turn left here." - Aunty Acid

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An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, “I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?”
The trainer replied, “Use the ATM machine outside!”

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Why are scientists now using lawyers in laboratory experiments instead of rats? Three reasons: (1) lawyers are more plentiful than rats, (2) there is no danger the scientists will become attached to the lawyers, and (3) there are some things rats just won't do.

More Jokes Here

A Couple of Jokes

            Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.
            So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
            Yu haf no idr ho gud I fel.

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            Ladies, if you are pregnant, and you know your baby will be a boy, consider naming him ’Gotham’! That way when he starts crying in the middle of the night, all you have to do is turn to your man and whisper, “Gotham needs you.” It won’t matter if it’s the first time or the hundredth he’s hearing it, he will get up and take care of business and you can roll over and get your well-deserved sleep!

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