My wife said to me: ‘If you won the lottery, would you still love me?’ I said: ‘Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.'
A woman ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”
The garbage man yelled, “No, jump in.” -
Phoebe: I guess we’re oil and water.
Dan: I’d say we’re more like gasoline and a blowtorch.
My mother texted me “What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?”
I answered: “I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.”
Mother: “OK, I’ll ask your sister.”
Buy a sheep. Name it Relation. Now you have a Relationsheep.
Some asshole looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and sarcastically asked, “Is that Budweiser or Heineken?”
I said, “There’s a tap underneath it, taste it.”