Humorous Quotes

It is always sad when someone leaves home, unless they are simply going around the corner and will return in a few minutes with ice-cream sandwiches. - Daniel Handler

The most exquisite pleasure in the practice of medicine comes from nudging a layman in the direction of terror, then bringing him back to safety again. - Kurt Vonnegut

You'll forgive the flowery talk, won't you? Our family does so love to be told they are beautiful. Vanity is an old and venerable habit. - Catherynne M. Valente

If a man owes me money, I never seem to forget. But if I do the owing, I somehow never remember. - Aristophanes

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework. - Bill Cosby

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. - H. L. Mencken

I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment. - Woody Allen

The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store. - Kin Hubbard

You can get the monkey off your back, but the circus never leaves town. - Anne Lamott

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one. - Leo J. Burke

Most mothers are instinctive philosophers. - Harriet Beecher Stowe

There is a great need for a sarcasm font. - Mackey Miller

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