Advice – What people ask for when they want to be told that what they are doing is all right.
Advertising – The science of arresting the intelligence long enough to get money out of it.
Age – The thing that makes wine worth more and some people feel less.
Alcohol – A substance excellent for preserving many things – except secrets.
Argument – An activity during which people exchange their ignorance.
Banking – Lending out other people’s money while keeping the interest for yourself.
Bartender – Person who can put you in touch with the spirit world.
Beastly weather – When it is raining cats and dogs.
Boss – A person who is not nearly as dumb as the employees think.
Bus driver – Person who tells other people where to get off.
Capital punishment – Income tax.
Celebrity – A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Committee – A group that takes a week to accomplish what one good person could accomplish in a day.
Cemetery – Where there is a good word for you when you are down.
Creditor – A person who remembers things which a debtor would rather forget.
Diet – A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.
Doctor – A person who tells you that if you do not cut something out, something will have to be cut out of you.
Domestic harmony – Willingness of one’s mate to play second fiddle.
Economics expert – A person who knows tomorrow why the things predicted yesterday did not happen today.
Egotist – Someone who never talks about other people.
Fad – Something that goes in one era and out the other.
Failure – The only thing that can be accomplished without effort.
Failures – People who cannot put things over because they are always putting things off.
Flatterers – Mind readers - they tell us precisely what we think.
Flattery – Something that makes everybody sick except those who swallow it.
Gossip – What nobody admits to liking, but everyone enjoys.
Gamble – A plan that depends upon luck for success.
Inflation – What makes a nest egg turn into chicken feed.
Intelligent conversationalist – Someone who simply nods in agreement when you are speaking.
Interior decorators – People who do things to your home they would not have the nerve to do to their own.
Jogging – That which keeps the spring in your step from rusting.
Jury – Twelve people who vote on who has the better lawyer.
Las Vegas – A place where the odds are you would not come even.
Lawsuit – Something no one wants to have and no one wants to lose.
Luck – The result when preparation and opportunity meet.
Opportunity – What a fool waits for and a wise person seeks.
Prisoner – Someone who would not mind being interrupted in the middle of a sentence.
Politician – Person who stands for what hopefully others will fall for.
Politics – Getting money from the rich and votes from the poor by promising to protect them from each other.
Psychiatrist – The doctor who tells you how to stand on your own two feet while you are lying on a couch.
Retirement – When you must work at relaxing instead of relaxing at work.
Revolution – An effort to get rid of a bad government and set up one that is worse.
Reunion – Occasion when people come together to see who is falling apart.
Tact – Something that goes unnoticed when it is used – but when it is not used, everybody notices.
Telephone – Device that lets us talk with people we do not want to meet.
Television – Something we watch in order to tell other people why we do not watch.
Vacation – A time to play or rest – depending on your age
Vacation – An excursion designed to put you in the pink but leaves you in the red.
Vacation – When you take everything with you in order to get away from it all.
Vacation – Time off to remind employees that the business can get along without them.
Weather forecaster – Someone with whom the weather does not always agree.
White lie – A way of colouring the truth.