Paraprosdokian

A paraprosdokian (from Greek, meaning "beyond" and "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

            Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.

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When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. - Rita Rudner

When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away. - Robert M. Hutchins

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Trent Redman

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. - Emo Philips

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield  

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. - Woody Allen 

When I was young, I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights. - Unknown

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. - Ricky Gervais

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. - Unknown

When things haven’t gone well for you, call in a secretary or a staff man and chew him out. You will sleep better and they will appreciate the attention. - Lyndon B. Johnson

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back. - Woody Allen 

When you come to a fork in the road, take it. - Unknown

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". - Unknown

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek

The Starfish Story

An old man was walking on the beach one morning after a storm. In the distance, he could see someone moving like a dancer. As he came closer, he saw that it was a young woman picking up starfish and gently throwing them into the ocean.

“Young lady, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?”

“The sun is up, and the tide is going out, and if I do not throw them in, they will die,” she said.

“But young lady, do you not realize that there are many miles of beach and thousands of starfish? You cannot possible make a difference.”

The young woman listened politely, then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea. “It made a difference for that one.”

- Adapted from the original by Loren Eiseley

Quote Worthy

Some people never learn the art of compromise. Everything is either black or white. They do not recognize, or will not concede, that the equally important colour grey is a mixture of black and white. - Waite Phillips

One man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. Only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born. - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

No road is too long to the man who advances deliberately and without undue haste; and no honors are too distant for the man who prepares himself for them with patience. - Jean de La Bruyere

Make amends the same day for words spoken in haste and deeds done in anger, lest you breach a wall of trust that will be more difficult to repair the next day. - Unknown

Talent alone won’t make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: “Are you ready?” - Johnny Carson

None of us clearly know to whom or to what we are indebted, until some marked stop in the whirling wheel of life brings the right perception with it. - Unknown

What Percentage Of Your Brain Do You Use?

American neurologist Richard Cytowic debunks the commonly held belief that humans only use 10% of their brains to perform everyday tasks. While retired from clinical practice, Cytowic continues to conduct research on the brain while mentoring students.

http://www.wimp.com/percentagebrain/

Video courtesy of www.wimp.com 

Quote Worthy

We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. - Duc de La Rochefoucauld

The less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it in. - Lord Chesterfield

Be bold in what you stand for and careful what you fall for. - Ruth Boorstin

Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right. - Henry Ford

He who has never learned to obey cannot be a good commander. - Aristotle

The byproduct is sometimes more valuable than the product. - Henry Ellis

I cannot make my days longer, so I strive to make them better. - Paul Theroux

It is so hard when we have to, and so easy when we want to. - Unknown

Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections. - Unknown

Some people make the world SPECIAL just by being in it. - Unknown

A man who has nothing can whistle in a robber’s face. - Juvenal

To want to be what one can be is purpose in life. - Cynthia Ozick

Trivia

I can’t guarantee the accuracy of all the points. :-)

1. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odour.

2. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.

3. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.

4. Our brain uses same amount power as 10-watt light bulb!

5. Our body gives enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 litres of water!

6. Stomach acid (conc.HCI) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!

Quote Worthy

A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble. - Mahatma Gandhi

Every individual has a place to fill in the world and is important in some respect whether he chooses to be so or not. - Nathaniel Hawthorne

To Be aware of a single shortcoming within oneself is more useful than to be aware of a thousand in someone else. - Dalai Lama

We do not keep the outward form of order, where there is deep disorder in the mind. - William Shakespeare

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. - Lao-Tzu

Moderation is the silken string running through the pearl chain of all virtues. - Joseph Hall

Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s need, but not every man’s greed. - Mahatma Gandhi

There is always some good in every situation; all you have to do is look for it. - Unknown

Every village has an idiot, every club has a bore, and every party has a clown. - Unknown

‘I must do something’ always solves more problems than ‘Something must be done.’ - Unknown

Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian (from Greek, meaning "beyond" and "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

            Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.

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Think twice before you speak. You may be able to say something even more insulting. - Unknown

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. - Dorothy Parker

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. - Groucho Marx

Three failures denote uncommon strength. A weakling has not enough grit to fail thrice. - Minna Antrim

To err is human, to blame the next guy even more so. - Unknown

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. - Oscar Wilde

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. - Unknown

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can’t run. - Milton Jones

Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food? - Unknown

War does not determine who is right - only who is left. - Unknown

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? - Jean Cocteau

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. - Unknown

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. - Rodney Dangerfield  

We would all like a reputation for generosity and we’d all like to buy it cheap. - Mignon Mclaughlin

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Unknown

Seven Logics for Peaceful Living

1.  Make peace with your past so it doesn’t spoil your present

2. What others think of you is none of your business

3. Time heals almost everything. Give time, some time

4. No one is the reason of your happiness except you yourself

5. Don’t compare your life with others. You have no idea their journey is all about

6. Stop thinking too much. It’s all right not to know all the answers

7. Smile, you don’t own all the problems in the world

Quote Worthy

It just ain’t possible to explain some things. It’s interesting to wonder on them and do some speculation, but the main thing is you have to accept it –  take it for what it is, and get on with your growing. - Jim Dodge

The progressive person is not worried about the difficulty of a task; he only needs to know if it can be overcome through his efforts – even when he does not know how it can be done yet. - Unknown

The essential concept of questioning technique is that the quality of the answer is directly related to the quality of the question you asked. Quality questions beget quality answers. - Unknown

A soul-mate is someone whose way of viewing life is not necessarily the same as yours but complements yours so that there is not a compromise, there is a complement. - Paul Robear

If you can react the same way to winning and losing, that is a big accomplishment. That quality is important because it stays with you the rest of your life. - Chris Evert

When situations are constant, you need to be consistent to survive; and when they are in a continuous state of flux, you need to be adaptable to survive. - Unknown

Gravity Glue

The Secret Behind How This Guy Balances Rocks Is Very Unusual.

http://www.lifebuzz.com/rocks/

Video courtesy of www.wimp.com 

Quote Worthy

It is far better to foresee even without certainty than not to foresee at all. - Henri Poincare

Joy, temperance, and repose, slam the door on the doctor’s nose. - Henry Wadworth Longfellow

There is a difference between not thinking of someone and forgetting him. - Werner Kraus

The water that bears the boat is the same that swallows it up. - Unknown

Too much consistency is as bad for the mind as for the body. - Unknown

There is nothing so bitter as the bitterness of suffering alone. - Unknown

The most positive men are the most credulous. - Jonathan Swift

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument. - Unknown

Everything’s got a moral if only you can find it. - Lewis Carroll

Slight not what’s near through aiming at what’s far. - Euripides 

Nothing is interesting if you’re not interested. - Helen Macinness

There never was a good war, or a bad peace. - Benjamin Franklin

Love - Quotes

If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation. - Osho

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. - Unknown

Someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a situation where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity, or your self-worth to be with them. - Unknown

Embrace love and compassion with all your spirit. Understand that they never hurt or offend, they just heal and empower. - Steve Maraboli

Love, is a word that we cannot define correctly. But love, is a feeling we can always show positively. – Unknown

If you love someone, tell them, because hearts are often broken by words left unspoken. - Unknown

Love doesn’t have to be logical; it only has to make sense to two people. - Unknown

Love is the bridge between you and everything. - Rumi

Quote Worthy

As soon as man does not take his existence for granted, but beholds it as something unfathomably mysterious, thought begins. - Albert Schweitzer

No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born. - Dale Turner

A slight touch of friendly malice and amusement towards those we love keeps our affections for them from turning flat. - Logan Smith

If you keep doing things like you have always done them, what you will get is what you have already got. - Unknown

The only good in pretending is the fun we get out of fooling ourselves that we fool somebody. - Booth Tarkington

A good battle plan that you act on today can be better than a perfect one tomorrow. - Unknown

He who lives only to benefit himself confers on the world a benefit when he dies. - Tertullian

A hungry person listens not to reason, nor cares for justice, nor is bent by any prayers. - Seneca

The one who falls and gets up is so much stronger than the one who never fell. - Unknown

Virtue stems from modesty; happiness grows out of integrity and frugality. - Unknown

Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian (from Greek, meaning "beyond" and "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

            Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.

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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. - Milton Berle

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. - Unknown

The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. - Leo J. Burke

The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and somebody to love you. - Brendan Behan

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. - Nathaniel Borenstein

The older generation thought nothing of getting up at five every morning - and the younger generation doesn’t think much of it either. - John J. Welsh

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces. - Maureen Murphy

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is the fact that it has never tried to contact us. - Unknown

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! - Unknown

The wise never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise. - Unknown

There are no favourites in my office. I treat them all with the same general inconsideration. - Lyndon B. Johnson

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. - Unknown

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. - Clint Eastwood

42 Lesser Known Amazing Human Body Facts

1. Children grow faster in springtime.

2. It is not possible to tickle yourself.

3. All babies are colour blind at birth, they see only black and white.

4. Each person sheds 22 kilograms of skin in his or her lifetime.

5. Average life span of a taste bud is only 10 days.

6. Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

7. Largest muscle in y our body is one on which you are sitting on.

8. Children have more taste buds than adults.

9. Eyes stay the same size throught life but nose and ears never stop growing.

10. There are approximately 96,000 km of blood vessels in the human body.

11. Heart circulates blood in your body about 1,000 times each day.

12. When you blush, your stomach lining also reddens.

13. When you sleep, you grow by about 8mm (0.3in). The next day you shrink back to your former height. The reason is that your cartilage discs are squeezed like sponges by the force of gravity when you stand or sit.

14. A man’s testicles manufacture 10 million new sperm cells each day – enough that he could repopulate the entire planet in only 6 months!

15. Scientist say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream.

16. You lose your taste buds as you age.

17. Food takes 7 seconds to reach stomach from mouth.

18. The lasrgest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

19. The female ovaries contain nearly half-a-million egg cells, yet only 400 or so will ever get the opportunity to create a new life.

20. The human feet have 500,000 sweat glands and can produce more than a pint of sweat a day.

21. The only part of  your body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It gets its oxygen directly from air.

22. There are 500 hairs in an eyebrow.

23. Human skull is made up of 26 different bones.

24. You are born without knee caps and they don’t appear until age of 2 to 6 years.

25. Your heart beats 100,000 times a day.

26. Your blood has same amoung of salts init as an ocean has.

27. Men lose about 40 hairs in a day and women lose 70 hairs in a day.

28. In your lifetime, you will produce enough saliva to fill two swimming pools.

29.Your nose can remember 50,000 diffferent scents.

30. Eyelashes last about 150 days.

31. The kidneys filter your blood up to 300 times per day.

32. Tongue is the strongest muscle in human body.

33. The average human body contains approximately 100 billion nerve cells.

34. The air from a sneeze can travel at unbelievable speeds of 100 mph or more.

35. when you wre born, you had 300 bones. Now you have 206, if you are an adult. The rest of the bones have not disappeared – they have merely fused together.

36. The nail on the middle finger grows faster than the other fingernails.

37. Hair is made of same substance as fingernails.

38. Smallest bone of body is in ears.

39. It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

40. Our entire body functions stop when we sneeze even your heart beat.

41. The average man has about 11 erections each day and several more at night.

42. 80% of the brain is water.

Quote Worthy

Little drops of water, little grains of sand, Make the mighty ocean and the pleasant land. So the little minutes, humble though they be, Make the mighty ages of eternity. - Julia A. Fletcher Carney

Universal laws always favour the good guy in the long term. A bank robber who has robbed a million dollars and is still free may seem to have defied the law – until he is shot dead one day. - Unknown

Guard against the prestige of great names; see that your judgments are your own; and do not shrink from disagreement; no trusting without testing. - Lord Acton Dalberg

Your job is not to judge. Your job is not to figure out if someone deserves something. Your job is to lift the fallen, to restore the broken, and to heal the hurting. - Unknown

The secret of how to live without resentment or embarrassment in a world in which I was different from everyone else was to be indifferent to that difference. - Al Capp

When you dance to your own rhythm, people may not understand you; they may even hate you. But mostly, they’ll wish they had the courage to do the same. - Unknown

Can You Drink Too Much Water?

It turns out, water intoxication is a real thing! But should you be worried about it? Take a look at the video here:

http://youtu.be/t1nwSuWr_q8

Video courtesy of www.wimp.com

Quote Worthy

You will soon break the bow if you keep it always stretched. - Norman Vincent Peale

The man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd. - James Crook

Never get so fascinated by the extraordinary that you forget the ordinary. - Magdalen Nabb 

Nothing is more common on earth than to deceive and be deceived. - Johann G. Seume

Where the willingness is great, the difficulties cannot be great. - Unknown

It’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. - Unknown

Public opinion is a second conscience. - William Rounseville Alger

It is your business, when the wall next door catches fire. - Horatius

There is often wisdom under a shabby cloak. - Caecillus Statius 

Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly. - Thomas Jeffeson

Be a good person, but don’t waste time to prove it. – Unknown

Do not feel absolutely certain of anything. – Russell Bertrand

Spiritual - Quotes

As you develop your awareness in nature, you begin to see how we influence all life and how all life influences us; a key and critical feature for us to know. - Unknown

Free yourself from anger and desire. This is the means by which you come to know the soul, and thereby attain the highest spiritual state. - The Bhagavad Gita

Don’t seek, don’t search, don’t ask, don’t knock, don’t demand – relax. If you relax, it comes. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, you start vibrating with it. - Osho

There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness. - Dalai Lama

The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with Nature. - Joseph Campbell

Just be silent, utterly silent. Let peace descend over you, and the revelation of the mysterious truth of existence is yours. - Osho

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls. - Joseph Campbell

The universe will show you the way. You just have to have the guts to go there. - Caprice Johnson

Your sacred space is where you can find yourself over and over again. - Joseph Campbell

This is it. But if you fixate on it, It isn’t anymore. - Zen Proverb

Quote Worthy

It is vain and useless to survey everything that goes on in the world if our study does not help us mend our ways. - Magdeleine Sable

Never esteem anything as of advantage to thee that shall make thee break thy word or lose thy self-respect. - Marcus Aurelius

Sometimes bad things in life open up your eyes to the good things you weren’t paying attention to before. - Unknown

If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment. - Henry David Thoreau

Lack of something to feel important about is almost the greatest tragedy a man may have. - Unknown

What helps me go forward is that I stay receptive, I feel that anything can happen. - Anouk Aimee

Nowhere can man find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul. - Marcus Aurelius

Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow. - Aristotle

To give your sheep or cow a large, spacious meadow is the way to control him. - Unknown

Hit the ball over the fence and you can take your time going around the bases. - Unknown

Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian (from Greek, meaning "beyond" and "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

            Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

No news is good news. No journalists is even better. - Nicolas Bentley

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. - Unknown

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. - Unknown

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged. - Heinrich Heine

People hate the truth. Luckily, the truth doesn’t care. - Larry Winger

People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. - Anatole France

Pleasing everyone is impossible. Infuriating them is easier and far more amusing. - Unknown

Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don’t work out. - Unknown

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart. - Erma Bombeck

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. - Groucher Marx

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.  - Unknown

Success is relative; more the success, more the relatives. - Unknown

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. - Earl Wilson 

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. - Unknown

Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame. - Erica Jong

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. - Unknown

Man's Greed

Quote Worthy

If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people together to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skilful execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives. – Unknown

For good and evil, man is a free creative spirit. This produces the very queer world we live in, a world in continuous creation and therefore continuous change and insecurity. - Joyce Cary

Find more pleasure in intelligent dissent than in passive agreement, for if you value intelligence as you should, the former implies a deeper agreement than the latter. - Russell Bertrand

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, just imagine that it’s going to launch you into something great. - Unknown

If we determine that we will perform one deed of kindness every day, no matter how small or insignificant it might seem, we will never stop reaping the returns. - Unknown

These Tools Are Not Handmade

Ethiopian carpenter Sentayehu Teshale has been constructing stools out of wood for over 20 years without ever using his hands. He was told to become a beggar because of his disability, but he finds a remarkable way to support himself using what he has.

http://www.wimp.com/stoolshandmade/

Video courtesy of www.wimp.com 

Parables

A poor man asked the Buddha, “Why am I so poor?”

The Buddha said, “You do not learn to give.”

The poor man said, “If I’m not having anything?”

Buddha said: “You have a few things. The Face, which can give a smile; The Mouth, you can praise or comfort others; The Heart, it can open up to others; The Eyes, they can look at others with the eyes of goodness; The Body, which can be used to help others.”

So, actually we are not poor at all. Poverty of spirit is the real poverty.

- Source Unknown

Quote Worthy

A common unconscious human idiosyncrasy is the belief that someone else’s success is the cause of our failures and miseries. - Unknown

Each of us has a spark of life inside us, and our highest endeavor ought to be to set off that spark in one another. - Kenny Ausubel

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. - Unknown

Sometimes a person has to go a very long distance out of his way to come back a short distance correctly. - Edward Albee

Do not think it worthwhile to produce belief by concealing evidence, for the evidence is sure to come to light. - Russell Bertrand

You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him. - Leo Aikman

Words and pictures can work together to communicate more powerfully than either alone. - William Albert Allard

The way a young man spends his evenings is a part of that thin area between success and failure. - Robert R. Young

A person who is too possessive of things will end up being possessed by those very things he owns. - Unknown

Amongst the things you can give and still keep are your word, a smile, and a grateful heart. - Unknown

Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian (from Greek, meaning "beyond" and "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

            Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

More than ever before, people are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments. - Robert Orben

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. -  Rodney Dangerfield  

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses. He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle. - Unknown

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. - Unknown

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your  brakes, so I made your horn louder." - Unknown

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said 'Just wait.' - Judy Tenuta

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right. - Ashleigh Brilliant 

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield  

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met! - Rodney Dangerfield  

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. - Rodney Dangerfield   

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said. - Unknown

Never criticize a man until you’ve run a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn’t like what you have to say, it’ll be OK because you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have his shoes. - Robin Evans