Humorous Quotes

Quotes which are funny, ironical, as well as simply, or profoundly true.

I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde

I can tell where my own shoe pinches me. - Miguel de Cervantes

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. - Fred Allen

I cannot forgive my friends for dying: I do not find these vanishing acts of theirs at all amusing. - Logan Pearsall Smith

I do not believe in personal immortality; it seems so unnecessary. Show me one man who deserves to live forever. - Edward Abbey

I don’t care what is written about me as long as it isn’t true. - Katharine Hepburn

I don’t have any bad habits. They might be bad habits for other people, but they’re all right for me. - Eubie Blake

I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. - Mark Twain

I don’t want any "yes-men" around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. - Samuel Goldwyn 

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work . . . I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen 

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. - Jack Benny

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking. - Katherine Cebrian 

I don't remember anybody's name. How do you think the “dahling” thing got started? - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion. - Miguel de Cervantes

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. - Rodney Dangerfield