Humorous Quotes

When a man says that he is Jesus or Napoleon, or that the Martians are after him, or claims something else that seems outrageous to common sense, he is labelled psychotic and locked up in a madhouse. Freedom of speech is only for normal people. - Thomas Szasz

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs. - Tina Fey

A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs. - Jimmy Fallon

I cried during my wedding, but my wife did not. That's natural, because I was losing my freedom, and she was gaining a slave. - Jarod Kintz

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just ‘gets’ me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. - Stephen Wright

The little boy who goes to the store and forgets what his mother sent him for, will probably grow up to be a congressman. - Evan Esar

When a fool dies there is much shedding of tears in the land whither he is bound. - Abraham Miller

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. - Arnold Haultain

The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting. - Jarod Kintz

I broke my arm in 3 places so I won’t be going back to those places. - Jim Rose

If you can’t outplay them, outwork them. - Ben Hogan

It's hard to put a foot in a shut mouth. - Ken Alstad

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Quote Worthy

If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, “He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone. - Epictetus

The line between failure and success is so fine that we scarcely know when we pass it – so fine that we often are on the line and do not know it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

You can design and create, and build the most wonderful place in the world. But it takes people to make the dream a reality. - Walt Disney

To believe is very dull. To doubt is intensely engrossing. To be on the alert is to live, to be lulled into security is to die. - Oscar Wilde

In the dust of defeat as well as the laurels of victory there is a glory to be found if one has done his best. - Eric Liddell

It is the province of knowledge to speak and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives. - George R.R. Martin

Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind. - Marcel Proust

Not only must we be good, but we must also be good for something. - Henry David Thoreau

Wit must be foiled by wit, cut a diamond with a diamond. - William Congreve

We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it. - Rick Warren

The covetous man is ever in want. - Horace

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Jokes

Man came home, saw his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend. Wife says, “If you behave like this, you will lose all your friends.”

When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.' - Jerry Lewis

“Please keep your dog beside you, sir,” a woman said crossly to the man sitting opposite to her on the bench at the part. “I can feel a flea in my shoe.”
“Midnight, come here,” replied the man. “This woman has fleas.”

A: Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?” B: All the time.

Sardar: Doctor, my wife is pregnant. She is having pain right now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Sardar: No this is her husband speaking.

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

Food for Thought

We are all going through shit. Each one of us, in our own way. Let’s remember that, when we see each other on the street, in the stores, at work, and at home. Everywhere. Being human comes with lots of complications, and probably too many hardships. We all struggle. So let’s be good to one another, and cut each other some slack. - Unknown

Many people value criticism in the early stage of a relationship, but become allergic to it over time. Remember this: No one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired. Your partner won't make use of your constructive criticism if there's not a surrounding climate of admiration and respect. - Harriet Lerner

Most private traders on a losing streak keep trying to trade their way out of a hole. A loser thinks a successful trade is just around the corner, and that his luck is about to turn. He keeps putting on more trades and increases his size, all the while digging himself a deeper hole in the ice. The sensible thing to do would be to reduce your trading size and then stop and review your system. - Alexander Elder

Never hire or promote in your own image. It is foolish to replicate your strength and idiotic to replicate your weakness. It is essential to employ, trust, and reward those whose perspective, ability, and judgment are radically different from yours. It is also rare, for it requires uncommon humility, tolerance, and wisdom. - Dee Hock

Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time; the need for mankind to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence. Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love. - Martin Luther King Jr.

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Humorous Quotes

I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning. - Jarod Kintz

In department stores, so much kitchen equipment is bought indiscriminately by people who just come in for men’s underwear. - Julia Child

The hunter never hates his quarry; it's a thing which he wants to get, to reduce into possession, so how could he hate it? - K. J. Parker

If it were not for the company of fools, a witty man would often be greatly at a loss. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them! - Friedrich Nietzsche

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbours will say. - Cyril Connolly

When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner. - Unknown

A wedding is the formality a man has to go through before going to work for a new boss. - Evan Esar

I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong. - Woodrow Wilson

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. - Gloria Leonard

Sex is only a three-letter word so how can it be dirty? - Erma Bombeck

Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser. - Vince Lombardi

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Change - Quotes

Everything flows and nothing abides; everything gives way and nothing stays fixed... Cool things become warm, the warm grows cool; the moist dries, the parched becomes moist... It is in changing that things find repose. - Heraclitus

Fear of change is a part of the state of fear man has ever lived in but out of which he has begun to escape. Civilization might be defined indeed as the steps in his escape. - Elsie Clews Parsons

I’ve learned that for many people, change is uncomfortable. Maybe they want to go through it, and they can see the benefit of it, but at a gut level, change is uncomfortable. - Mitchell Baker

In order to learn one must change one’s mind. - Orson Scott Card

In times of rapid change, experience could be your worst enemy. - J. Paul Getty

In times of profound change, the learners inherit the earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists. - Eric Hoffer

Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t. - Steve Maraboli

It is an age of stir and change, a season of new wine and old bottles. Yet, assuredly, in spite of breakages and waste, a wine worth the drinking is all the time being made. - John Galsworthy

Keep constantly in mind in how many things you yourself have witnessed changes already. The universe is change, life is understanding. -Marcus Aurelius

Lasting change can only come from within. - Ahsoka Tano

Many people have ideas on how others should change; few people have ideas on how they should change. - Tolstoy

Men do change, and change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass. - John Steinbeck

Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future. - Ashleigh Brilliant

Off with the old and on with the new. - Unknown

One cause of misery is the inability to change. - Edward Counsel

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Quote Worthy

When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men in a society, over the course of time they create for themselves a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it. - Frederic Bastiat

If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world, and that his heart is no island cut off from other lands, but a continent that joins to them. - Francis Bacon, Sr.

In every age it has been the tyrant, the oppressor and the exploiter who has wrapped himself in the cloak of patriotism, or religion, or both to deceive and overawe the People. - Eugene Victor Debs

Everyone has a history. What you do with it is up to you. Some repeat it, some learn from it. The really special ones use it to help others. - JM Green

Accept everything about yourself, I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end, no apologies, no regrets. - Clark Moustakas

Freedom of thought is best promoted by the gradual illumination of men’s minds, which follows form the advance of science. - Darwin

You can’t always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes, you might find, you get what you need. - The Rolling Stones

To stimulate life, leaving it free, however, to unfold itself, that is the first duty of the educator. - Maria Montessori

If a man has directed his course to great ends there is compensation even in ruin. - Arthur Lynch

Sometimes, you get the best light from a burning bridge. - Don Henley

Desire is half of life, indifference is half of death. - Kahlil Gibran

Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change. - Stephen Hawkins

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Puns

What is a Pun?

A Pun is a joke or type of wordplay in which similar senses or sounds of two words or phrases, or different senses of the same word, are deliberately confused.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. - Unknown

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me. - Unknown

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. - Unknown

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. - Unknown

I used to be afraid of purchasing residential property for the purpose of renting, but now I have an apartment complex. - Unknown

I’m inclined to be laid back. - Unknown

I’ve failed the mathematics test so many times, I lost count. - Unknown

If you cut too many corners, you'll be going in circles. - Todd Reaker

If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed. - Unknown

If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory. - Unknown

It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road. - Unknown

Leopards! Be ready for a spot check! - Graffiti

Men do make passes at girls who wear glasses, it depends on their frames. - Dorothy Parker

My brother wishes he could compose smutty verse as good as mine. Is this scribbling ribaldry? - Unknown

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on. - Unknown

Deshun Wang

My Idol. I wish I could look that good, and active at that age. Click on the name to watch the video.

Deshun Wang

Food for Thought

It is paradoxical, yet true, to say, that the more we know, the more ignorant we become in the absolute sense, for it is only through enlightenment that we become conscious of our limitations. Precisely one of the most gratifying results of intellectual evolution is the continuous opening up of new and greater prospects. - Nikola Tesla

It turns out that advancing equal opportunity and economic empowerment is both morally right and good economics, because discrimination, poverty and ignorance restrict growth, while investments in education, infrastructure and scientific and technological research increase it, creating more good jobs and new wealth for all of us. - William J. Clinton

Life is all about evolution. What looks like a mistake to others has been a milestone in my life. Even if people have betrayed me, even if my heart was broken, even if people misunderstood or judged me, I have learned from these incidents. We are human and we make mistakes, but learning from them is what makes the difference. - Amisha Patel

Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning. - Mahatma Gandhi

Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence – whether much that is glorious – whether all that is profound – does not spring from disease of thought – from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect. - Edgar Allan Poe

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Humorous Quotes

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute. - Rebecca West

What’s the use you learning to do right, when it’s troublesome to do right and ain’t no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same? - Mark Twain

If the people were a little more ignorant, astrology would flourish – if a little more enlightened, religion would perish. - Robert Green Ingersoll

I am in favour of cutting taxes under any circumstances and for any excuse, for any reason, whenever it's possible. - Milton Friedman

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.9 a minute. - Unknown

The difference between us and other people is that their money looks bigger and their troubles smaller. - Evan Esar

Any young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty one is a menace to the community. - Brigham Young

Setting a good example for your children does nothing but increase their embarrassment. - Doug Larson

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking. - Earl Wilson

It’s better for people to miss you than to have seen too much of you. - Edward Norton

Patience: what you have when there are too many witnesses. - Unknown

I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy. - Jarod Kintz

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Quote Worthy

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend – or a meaningful day. - The Dalai Lama

Yield and overcome, empty and be full. Have little and gain, have much and be confused. Not putting on a display, not justifying, not boasting, not bragging. Be really whole and all things will come to you. - Lao Tzu

The greatest piece of folly is that every man thinks himself compelled to hand down what people think they have known. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; to be credible we must be truthful. - Edward R. Murrow

It’s better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than at the top of the one you don’t. - Stephen Kellogg

We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them. - Abigail Adams

No man thinks there is much ado about nothing when the ado is about himself. - Anthony Trollope

Absorb what is useful, discard what is not, add what is uniquely your own. - Bruce Lee

If you are afraid of something, you give it power over you. - Moroccan Proverb

You’ll never get ahead of anyone as long as you try to get even with him. - Lou Holtz

We tend to become like the worst in those we oppose. - Frank Herbert

The field of possibility has its own timetable. - Michael Jones

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Ginger

Ginger’s many evidence-based health benefits revealed

Click on the link to read the article

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2015/09/25/the-astounding-health-benefits-of-ginger/

Funny English

61 British Sentences that will confuse everyone …

Click on the link.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/hilarywardle/british-sentences-that-will-confuse-the-fuck-out-of-everybod?utm_term=.luQXj4DOp#.bi5prmVeX

Food for Thought

I really believe that all of us have a lot of darkness in our souls. Anger, rage, fear, sadness. I don’t think that’s only reserved for people who have horrible upbringings. I think it really exists and is part of the human condition. I think in the course of your life you figure out ways to deal with that. - Kevin Bacon

I would love to believe that when I die I will live again, that some thinking, feeling, remembering part of me will continue. But as much as I want to believe that, and despite the ancient and worldwide cultural traditions that assert an afterlife, I know of nothing to suggest that it is more than wishful thinking. - Carl Sagan

I’ve learned that fear limits you and your vision. It serves as blinders to what may be just a few steps down the road for you. The journey is valuable, but believing in your talents, your abilities, and your self-worth can empower you to walk down an even brighter path. Transforming fear into freedom – how great is that? - Soledad O’Brien

If you don’t think your anxiety, depression, sadness and stress impact your physical health, think again. All of these emotions trigger chemical reactions in your body, which can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system. Learn how to cope, sweet friend. There will always be dark days. - Kris Carr

If you try anything, if you try to lose weight, or to improve yourself, or to love, or to make the world a better place, you have already achieved something wonderful, before you even begin. Forget failure. If things don’t work out the way you want, hold your head up high and be proud. And try again. And again. And again! - Sarah Dessen

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Humorous Quotes

A smile is a sign of joy, a hug is a sign of love, a laugh is a sign of happiness and a friend like me… well… that’s a sign of good taste. - Unknown

I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road. - Stephen Hawking

Shopping is better than sex. If you're not satisfied after shopping, you can exchange it for something you really like. - Adrienne Gusoff

I am determined my children shall be brought up in their father's religion, if they can find out what it is. - Charles Lamb

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. - Mitch Hedberg

No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut. - Channing Pollock

Wouldn’t it be nice if the world was flat? That way we could just push off the people we don’t like. - Unknown

There are some with brains and some without. It makes for a better division of labour. - Bertolt Brecht

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. - Al Capone

Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I'm a man of simple pleasures, really. - Arthur Darvill

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back. - Bill Watterson

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Death

Death doesn't take her eyes off us for a minute, so much so that even those who are not yet due to die feel her gaze pursuing them constantly. - Jose Saramago

Death ends at last the fear of it. - Edward Counsel

Death was the only kept promise out of all life's false starts and switchbacks, all there was at the end of the dusty road. - William Gay

Everything that has a beginning has an end. - The Oracle

Fear not death, for the sooner we die the longer we shall be immortal. - Benjamin Franklin

I don't mean to imply that I'm afraid of Death. I'm just not ready to go out on a date with him. - Dean Koontz

I said to Life, I would hear Death speak. And Life raised her voice a little higher and said, you hear him now. - Kahlil Gibran

It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more. - J. k. Rowling

It's death, that's what I'm suffering from. The systematic encroachment of the big D. - John Le Carre

Let us endeavour so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. - Mark Twain

Shun death, is my advice. - Robert Browning

Some men are like oak leaves – they don't know when they're dead, but still hang right on; and there are others who let go before anything has really touched them. - George Horace Lorimer

More on Death

Quote Worthy

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. - Henry David Thoreau

The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential… these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence. - Confucius

We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light. - Mary Dunbar

What the world needs most is openness: Open hearts, open doors, open eyes, open minds, open ears, open souls. - Robert Muller

Before beginning a Hunt, it is wise to ask someone what you are looking for before you begin looking for it. - Winnie the Pooh

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence. - Helen Keller

There is a natural opposition among men to anything they have not thought of themselves. - Barnes Wallis

You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand. - Leonardo Da Vinci

As long as I have a want, I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death. - George Bernard Shaw

Not what we have, but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance. - Epicurus

The field cannot be seen from within the field. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. - Voltaire

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About Laughter

It's hard ... to hate a man who laughs at himself and the rest of the world. - Jo Clayton

Laugh and be wise. - Unknown

Laugh at your friends, and if your friends are sore; so much the better, you may laugh the more. - Alexander Pope

Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that is certain to come. Never take yourself too seriously. - Og Mandino

Laugh at yourself. It tones your facial muscles and attitude. - Kelly Rudolph

Laugh now, cry later. - Erma Bombeck

Laughing cheerfulness throws the light of day on all the paths of life. - Jean Paul Richter

Laughing, if loud, ends with a deep sigh; and all pleasures have a sting in the tail, though they carry beauty in the face. - Jeremy Taylor

Laughter ... the hilarious declaration made by man that life is worth living. - Sean O’Casey

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. - Bob Newhart

Laughter in the face of danger is a mark of courage. - Jennifer Lee Carrell

Laughter is poison to fear. - George R. R. Martin

Laughter is the language of the soul. - Pablo Neruda

Food for Thought

Each time a man stands up for an ideal or acts to improve the lot of others or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope and, crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance. - Robert Kennedy

For the 99 percent of the time we’ve been on Earth, we were hunter and gatherers, our lives dependent on knowing the fine, small details of our world. Deep inside, we still have a longing to be reconnected with the nature that shaped our imagination, our language, our song and dance, our sense of the divine. - Janine M. Benyus

From the very beginning you are being told to compare yourself with others. This is the greatest disease; it is like a cancer that goes on destroying your very soul because each individual is unique, and comparison is not possible. I am just myself and you are just yourself. There is nobody else in the world you can be compared with. - Osho

Human beings are so destructive. I sometimes think we’re a kind of plague that will scrub the earth clean. We destroy things so well that I sometimes think, maybe that’s our function. Maybe every few eons, some animal comes along that kills off the rest of the world, clears the decks, and lets evolution proceed to its next phase. - Michael Crichton

I am still determined to be cheerful and to be happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learnt, from experience, that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances. We carry the seeds of the one or the other about with us, in our minds, wheresoever we go. - Martha Washington

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