Humorous Quotes

When a man says that he is Jesus or Napoleon, or that the Martians are after him, or claims something else that seems outrageous to common sense, he is labelled psychotic and locked up in a madhouse. Freedom of speech is only for normal people. - Thomas Szasz

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs. - Tina Fey

A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs. - Jimmy Fallon

I cried during my wedding, but my wife did not. That's natural, because I was losing my freedom, and she was gaining a slave. - Jarod Kintz

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just ‘gets’ me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. - Stephen Wright

The little boy who goes to the store and forgets what his mother sent him for, will probably grow up to be a congressman. - Evan Esar

When a fool dies there is much shedding of tears in the land whither he is bound. - Abraham Miller

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. - Arnold Haultain

The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting. - Jarod Kintz

I broke my arm in 3 places so I won’t be going back to those places. - Jim Rose

If you can’t outplay them, outwork them. - Ben Hogan

It's hard to put a foot in a shut mouth. - Ken Alstad

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