Humorous Quotes

Parents are like God because you wanna know they’re out there, and you want them to think well of you, but you really only call when you need something. - Chuck Palahniuk

I’ve come to look upon death the same way I look upon root-canal work. Everyone else seems to get through it all right, so it couldn't be too difficult for me. - Joseph Heller

Men are always ready to die for us, but not to make our lives worth having. Cheap sentiment and bad logic. - Louisa May Alcott

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. - Doug Larson

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. - Marsha Doble

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you! - Tommy Smothers

The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. - Gary Smalley

Nothing uses up alcohol faster than political argument. - Robert A. Heinlein

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. - Unknown

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. - Unknown

Silence is golden; duct tape is silver. - Unknown

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