The world is not full of assholes, but they are strategically placed so that you’ll come across one every day. Every. Day. - Unknown
Any one who says an onion is the only food that makes you cry has clearly never been hit in the head with a coconut. - Unknown
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open. - Unknown
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in a bod of a person who wants to sleep a lot. - Unknown
If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is “I don’t believe you”. - Unknown
The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. - H. L. Hecken
If you can’t blow them away with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit. - Unknown
Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine. - Unknown
I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking is badly. - Unknown
Don’t try to win over haters. You’re not the Jackass whisperer. - Scott Stratten
People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. - Will Rogers
Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. - Mark Twain
Good men are like good hairdressers. Hard as hell to find. - Zane
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance. - Phyllis Diller
Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce. - Larry Gelbart
Life is hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid. - Michael Crichton
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