Humorous Quotes

When a man says that he is Jesus or Napoleon, or that the Martians are after him, or claims something else that seems outrageous to common sense, he is labelled psychotic and locked up in a madhouse. Freedom of speech is only for normal people. - Thomas Szasz

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs. - Tina Fey

A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs. - Jimmy Fallon

I cried during my wedding, but my wife did not. That's natural, because I was losing my freedom, and she was gaining a slave. - Jarod Kintz

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just ‘gets’ me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. - Stephen Wright

The little boy who goes to the store and forgets what his mother sent him for, will probably grow up to be a congressman. - Evan Esar

When a fool dies there is much shedding of tears in the land whither he is bound. - Abraham Miller

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. - Arnold Haultain

The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting. - Jarod Kintz

I broke my arm in 3 places so I won’t be going back to those places. - Jim Rose

If you can’t outplay them, outwork them. - Ben Hogan

It's hard to put a foot in a shut mouth. - Ken Alstad

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Quote Worthy

If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, “He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone. - Epictetus

The line between failure and success is so fine that we scarcely know when we pass it – so fine that we often are on the line and do not know it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

You can design and create, and build the most wonderful place in the world. But it takes people to make the dream a reality. - Walt Disney

To believe is very dull. To doubt is intensely engrossing. To be on the alert is to live, to be lulled into security is to die. - Oscar Wilde

In the dust of defeat as well as the laurels of victory there is a glory to be found if one has done his best. - Eric Liddell

It is the province of knowledge to speak and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives. - George R.R. Martin

Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind. - Marcel Proust

Not only must we be good, but we must also be good for something. - Henry David Thoreau

Wit must be foiled by wit, cut a diamond with a diamond. - William Congreve

We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it. - Rick Warren

The covetous man is ever in want. - Horace

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Jokes

Man came home, saw his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend. Wife says, “If you behave like this, you will lose all your friends.”

When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.' - Jerry Lewis

“Please keep your dog beside you, sir,” a woman said crossly to the man sitting opposite to her on the bench at the part. “I can feel a flea in my shoe.”
“Midnight, come here,” replied the man. “This woman has fleas.”

A: Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?” B: All the time.

Sardar: Doctor, my wife is pregnant. She is having pain right now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Sardar: No this is her husband speaking.

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

Food for Thought

We are all going through shit. Each one of us, in our own way. Let’s remember that, when we see each other on the street, in the stores, at work, and at home. Everywhere. Being human comes with lots of complications, and probably too many hardships. We all struggle. So let’s be good to one another, and cut each other some slack. - Unknown

Many people value criticism in the early stage of a relationship, but become allergic to it over time. Remember this: No one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired. Your partner won't make use of your constructive criticism if there's not a surrounding climate of admiration and respect. - Harriet Lerner

Most private traders on a losing streak keep trying to trade their way out of a hole. A loser thinks a successful trade is just around the corner, and that his luck is about to turn. He keeps putting on more trades and increases his size, all the while digging himself a deeper hole in the ice. The sensible thing to do would be to reduce your trading size and then stop and review your system. - Alexander Elder

Never hire or promote in your own image. It is foolish to replicate your strength and idiotic to replicate your weakness. It is essential to employ, trust, and reward those whose perspective, ability, and judgment are radically different from yours. It is also rare, for it requires uncommon humility, tolerance, and wisdom. - Dee Hock

Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time; the need for mankind to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence. Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love. - Martin Luther King Jr.

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Humorous Quotes

I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning. - Jarod Kintz

In department stores, so much kitchen equipment is bought indiscriminately by people who just come in for men’s underwear. - Julia Child

The hunter never hates his quarry; it's a thing which he wants to get, to reduce into possession, so how could he hate it? - K. J. Parker

If it were not for the company of fools, a witty man would often be greatly at a loss. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them! - Friedrich Nietzsche

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbours will say. - Cyril Connolly

When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner. - Unknown

A wedding is the formality a man has to go through before going to work for a new boss. - Evan Esar

I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong. - Woodrow Wilson

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. - Gloria Leonard

Sex is only a three-letter word so how can it be dirty? - Erma Bombeck

Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser. - Vince Lombardi

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Change - Quotes

Everything flows and nothing abides; everything gives way and nothing stays fixed... Cool things become warm, the warm grows cool; the moist dries, the parched becomes moist... It is in changing that things find repose. - Heraclitus

Fear of change is a part of the state of fear man has ever lived in but out of which he has begun to escape. Civilization might be defined indeed as the steps in his escape. - Elsie Clews Parsons

I’ve learned that for many people, change is uncomfortable. Maybe they want to go through it, and they can see the benefit of it, but at a gut level, change is uncomfortable. - Mitchell Baker

In order to learn one must change one’s mind. - Orson Scott Card

In times of rapid change, experience could be your worst enemy. - J. Paul Getty

In times of profound change, the learners inherit the earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists. - Eric Hoffer

Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t. - Steve Maraboli

It is an age of stir and change, a season of new wine and old bottles. Yet, assuredly, in spite of breakages and waste, a wine worth the drinking is all the time being made. - John Galsworthy

Keep constantly in mind in how many things you yourself have witnessed changes already. The universe is change, life is understanding. -Marcus Aurelius

Lasting change can only come from within. - Ahsoka Tano

Many people have ideas on how others should change; few people have ideas on how they should change. - Tolstoy

Men do change, and change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass. - John Steinbeck

Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future. - Ashleigh Brilliant

Off with the old and on with the new. - Unknown

One cause of misery is the inability to change. - Edward Counsel

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Quote Worthy

When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men in a society, over the course of time they create for themselves a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it. - Frederic Bastiat

If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world, and that his heart is no island cut off from other lands, but a continent that joins to them. - Francis Bacon, Sr.

In every age it has been the tyrant, the oppressor and the exploiter who has wrapped himself in the cloak of patriotism, or religion, or both to deceive and overawe the People. - Eugene Victor Debs

Everyone has a history. What you do with it is up to you. Some repeat it, some learn from it. The really special ones use it to help others. - JM Green

Accept everything about yourself, I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end, no apologies, no regrets. - Clark Moustakas

Freedom of thought is best promoted by the gradual illumination of men’s minds, which follows form the advance of science. - Darwin

You can’t always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes, you might find, you get what you need. - The Rolling Stones

To stimulate life, leaving it free, however, to unfold itself, that is the first duty of the educator. - Maria Montessori

If a man has directed his course to great ends there is compensation even in ruin. - Arthur Lynch

Sometimes, you get the best light from a burning bridge. - Don Henley

Desire is half of life, indifference is half of death. - Kahlil Gibran

Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change. - Stephen Hawkins

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Puns

What is a Pun?

A Pun is a joke or type of wordplay in which similar senses or sounds of two words or phrases, or different senses of the same word, are deliberately confused.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. - Unknown

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me. - Unknown

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. - Unknown

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. - Unknown

I used to be afraid of purchasing residential property for the purpose of renting, but now I have an apartment complex. - Unknown

I’m inclined to be laid back. - Unknown

I’ve failed the mathematics test so many times, I lost count. - Unknown

If you cut too many corners, you'll be going in circles. - Todd Reaker

If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed. - Unknown

If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory. - Unknown

It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road. - Unknown

Leopards! Be ready for a spot check! - Graffiti

Men do make passes at girls who wear glasses, it depends on their frames. - Dorothy Parker

My brother wishes he could compose smutty verse as good as mine. Is this scribbling ribaldry? - Unknown

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on. - Unknown

Deshun Wang

My Idol. I wish I could look that good, and active at that age. Click on the name to watch the video.

Deshun Wang

Food for Thought

It is paradoxical, yet true, to say, that the more we know, the more ignorant we become in the absolute sense, for it is only through enlightenment that we become conscious of our limitations. Precisely one of the most gratifying results of intellectual evolution is the continuous opening up of new and greater prospects. - Nikola Tesla

It turns out that advancing equal opportunity and economic empowerment is both morally right and good economics, because discrimination, poverty and ignorance restrict growth, while investments in education, infrastructure and scientific and technological research increase it, creating more good jobs and new wealth for all of us. - William J. Clinton

Life is all about evolution. What looks like a mistake to others has been a milestone in my life. Even if people have betrayed me, even if my heart was broken, even if people misunderstood or judged me, I have learned from these incidents. We are human and we make mistakes, but learning from them is what makes the difference. - Amisha Patel

Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning. - Mahatma Gandhi

Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence – whether much that is glorious – whether all that is profound – does not spring from disease of thought – from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect. - Edgar Allan Poe

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