Humorous Quotes

Quotes which are funny, ironic, as well as true or profoundly true.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. - Bob Hope

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. - Robert Frost

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. - Groucher Marx

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours. - Malcom Forbes

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. - Fred Allen

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there. - H. L. Mencken

A civilized society is one which tolerates eccentricity to the point of doubtful sanity. - Robert Frost

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - Steven Wright

A closed mouth gathers no foot. - Bob Cooke 

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle

A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour. - Elbert Hubbard

A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles. - Will Rogers

A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch. - Hermione Gingold

A diplomat these days is nothing but a headwaiter who’s allowed to sit down occasionally. - Peter Ustinov