Humorous Quotes

Quotes which are funny, ironical, as well as simply, or profoundly true.

Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell. - Edward Abbey

Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. - Alphonso the Wise

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance? - Edgar Bergen

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin

Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner. - Unknown

Having imagination, it takes you an hour to write a paragraph that, if you were unimaginative, would take you only a minute. Or you might not write the paragraph at all. - Franklin Pierce Adams

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. - David Frost

He and I had an office so tiny that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery. - Dorothy Parker

He could not see a belt without hitting below it. - Margot Asquith

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. - Joseph Heller

He in a few minutes ravished this fair creature or at least would have ravished her, if she had not, by a timely compliance, prevented him. - Henry Fielding

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike. - William Shakespeare

He reminds me of the man who murdered both his parents, and then, when sentence was about to be pronounced, pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan. - Abraham Lincoln

He shifted his weight from foot to foot, but it was equally uncomfortable on each. - Douglas Adams