Humorous Quotes

Quotes which are funny, ironical, some of which are profoundly true.

If you wait, all that happens is that you get older. - Mario Andretti

If you want to see an endangered species, get up and look in the mirror. - John Young

If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game show host. - Unknown

If you win, you need not have to explain… if you lose, you should not be there to explain! - Adolf Hitler

If you’re already walking on thin ice, you might as well dance. - Gil Atkinson

If you’re going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall. - Bill Earle

Ignore death up to the last moment; then, when it can't be ignored any longer, have yourself squirted full of morphia and shuffle off in a coma. Thoroughly sensible, humane and scientific, eh? - Aldous Huxley

I'm astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen 

Imagination is a guilty secret, usually, a passion best kept inside the privacy of one's own skull. - Margaret Lee Runbeck

In an underdeveloped country don’t drink the water. In a developed country don’t breathe the air. - Jonathan Raban

In matters of religion and matrimony I never give any advice; because I will not have anybody’s torments in this world or the next laid to my charge. - Lord Chesterfield

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued. - Helen Rowland

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Rita