Humorous Quotes

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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember. - George Carlin

Tattoos set you apart. Besides being a colourful accessory to any ensemble, they convince your parents once and for all that you are a lost cause. - Amy Linden

It is hard to be a woman. You must think like a man, act like a lady, look like a young girl, and work like a horse. - Unknown

You can always tell the golfer who's winning: he's the one who keeps telling his opponent that it's only a game. - Evan Esar

When man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse. - James Carswell

There is only one way to make money at writing, and that is to marry a publisher's daughter. - George Orwell

It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full, there is clearly room for more wine. - Unknown

The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate. - Brian Gaar

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Woody Allen

We talked for four hours. Well, I talked for four, and she listened for two. - Jarod Kintz

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. - Errol Flynn

Many a man works himself to death by burying himself in his work. - Evan Esar

If my room is clean, it means that my internet is not working. - Unknown

Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else. - Unknown

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them. - Unknown

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