Humorous Quotes

Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant. And it always feels good. - Lora Brody

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. - Rodney Dangerfield

Bullfighting can be an art. Boxing can be an art. Loving can be an art. Opening a can of sardines can be an art. - Charles Bukowski

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. - John G. Pollard

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. - Christopher Morley

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex. - Aldous Huxley

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde

Between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before. - Mae West

The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much. - Josh Lanyon

My photographs don't do me justice – they just look like me. - Phyllis Diller

Marriage is not a word, it's a sentence – a life sentence. - David Minkoff

I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it. - Unknown

Click Here for more humorous quotes, or Here for the book ‘Of Wit ‘n’ Humour’

 

Success

The thermometer of success is merely the jealousy of the malcontents. - Salvador Dali

There is no success without hardship. - Sophocles

Through perseverance many people win success out of what seemed destined to be certain failure. - Benjamin Disraeli

To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you. - Tony Dorsett

We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal, and then leap in the dark to our success. - Henry David Thoreau

Without self-discipline, success is impossible, period. - Lou Holtz

You have to believe in yourself. That’s the secret of success. - Unknown

You can't lean on the success of your parents. That's their success. And don't be held back by their failures. - Dr. Selden

Your success and happiness are forgiven you only if you generously consent to share them. - Albert Camus

You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play. - Warren Beatty

Just and noble minds rejoice in other men's success. - William Penn

Many a man can make a success of everything but himself. - Edgar Guest

Nothing recedes like success. - Sidney Bruhl

Many give way when success is assured, and rapidly fall back into failure. - James Allen

Success doesn’t count unless you earn it fair and square. - Michelle Obama

More on Success Here, and the book The Road to Success

Quote Worthy

The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge. - Eckhart Tolle

Looking back over a lifetime, we describe what happened as if it had a plan. To fully understand how accidental and random life is – how vast the odds are against any single event taking place – would be humbling. - Roger Ebert

Some people’s idea of free speech is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone says anything back, that is an outrage. - Sir Winston Churchill

Sometimes you need to step out, get some air and remind yourself of who you are and where you want to be. - Unknown

He had only one vanity, he thought he could give advice better than any other person. - Mark Twain

Sometimes, you have to stop thinking too much and just go where your heart takes you. - Unknown

The process of scientific discovery is, in effect, a continual flight from wonder. - Albert Einstein

Only that in you which is me can hear what I’m saying. - Baba Ram Dass

When you walk in purpose, you collide with destiny. - Ralph Buchanan

You can’t study the darkness by flooding it with light. - Edward Abbey

Sometimes, music speaks what you feel inside. – Unknown

Worry is a total waste of imagination. - Unknown

More Quotes Here - And the book Quote Worthy

 

Proverbs, Maxims, idioms ...

Having two ears and one tongue, we should listen twice as much as we speak. - Turkish Proverb

He who takes medicine and neglects to diet wastes the skill of his doctors. - Chinese Proverb

A dragon stranded in shallow water provides amusement to the shrimps. - Chinese Proverb

A new broom sweeps clean but an old broom knows the corners. - Virgin Islander Proverb

A blind person who sees is better than a seeing person who is blind. - Iranian Proverb

It is better to suffer for truth than to prosper by falsehood. - Danish Proverb

Where you were born is less important than how you live. - Turkish Proverb

Bury the hatchet beneath the root of the tree. - Native American Saying

Deal with the faults of others as gently as your own. - Chinese Proverb

A gentle hand may lead even an elephant by a hair. - Iranian Proverb

A goose quill is more dangerous than a lion's claw. - English Proverb

At high tide, fish eat ants; at low tide, ants eat fish. - Thai Proverb

A turtle travels only when it sticks its neck out. - Korean Proverb

An old error has more friends than a new truth. - Danish Proverb

All food is fit to eat but not all words are fit to speak. - Unknown

Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt. - African Saying

A hand ready to hit, may cause you great trouble. - Maori Proverb

Dally not with other folk's spouses or money. - Benjamin Franklin

An hour may destroy what an age was building. - English Proverb

However long the night, the dawn will break. - African Proverb

A year from now you'll wish you had started today. - Unknown

Fire in the heart sends smoke into the head. - German Proverb

Eggs have no business dancing with stones. - Haitian Proverb

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. - Benjamin Franklin

Worthless people blame their karma. - Burmese Proverb

 

Paraprosdokians

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it's no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. - Erma Bombeck

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. - Simpsons

Never lend books, for no one ever returns them; the only books I have in my library are books that other folks have lent me. - Anatole France

It’s always darkest before dawn. So, if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. - Unknown

It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like “What about lunch? - A.A. Milne

Sometimes I step outside and look up at the stars and think to myself … Damn I love pissing outside. - Unknown

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. - Doug Larson

It takes a wonderful brain and exquisite senses to produce a few stupid ideas. - George Santayana

Many people will laugh at the drop of a hat, especially if the man is still in it. - Evan Esar

Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry – and the world laughs harder. - Evan Esar

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. - Unknown

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. - Unknown

More paraprosdokians HERE

 

Life

We are buried when we're born. The world is a place of graves occupied and graves potential. Life is what happens while we wait for our appointment with the mortician. - Dean Koontz

Your days are numbered. Use them to throw open the windows of your soul to the sun. If you do not, the sun will soon set, and you with it. - Marcus Aurelius

They say there is nothing new under any sun. But if each life is not new, each single life, then why are we born? - Ursula K. Le Guin

This life ought to be used as a thing lent. - Spanish Proverb

To withhold from living is to die ... the more you give of yourself to life the more life nourishes you. - Anais Nin

We cannot change life! We can only change the way we live life. Any moment is the best moment, and any place is the best place. - Tishan

We cross the stream of life at different places. Some wade through the shallows in a drought, others have to swim across deep waters in a storm. - Charles Edward Jerningham

What is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable? - John Green

When life looks like it’s falling apart, it may just be falling in place. - Beverly Solomon

While there’s life, there’s hope. - English Proverb

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? - Hunter S. Thompson

You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love. - Nicholas Sparks

More on Life Here, and the book The Mystery of Life - a collection of quotes on and pertaining to life.

Quote Worthy

It is easy to judge. It’s more difficult to understand. Understanding requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to believe that good harts sometimes choose poor methods. Through judging, we separate. Through understanding, we grow. - Doe Zantamata

Accept – then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it … This will miraculously transform your whole life. - Eckhart Tolle

It is a capital mistake to theorise before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts. - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

If you can really understand the problem, the answer will come out of it, because the answer is not separate from the problem. - Krishnamurti

Sometimes a heartbreak shakes you awake, and helps you see that you are worth more than what you were settling for. - Unknown

Don’t judge people for the choices they make when you don’t know the options they had to choose from. - Unknown

The greatest gift you can give someone is your time, your love, and your attention. - Unknown

You should hammer your iron when it is glowing hot. - Publilius Syrus

With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come. - William Shakespeare

Our handicaps exist only in our minds. - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Don’t be afraid to give up the good for the great. - Kenny Rogers

Sometime, it’s not ego, it’s self-respect. - Unknown

More Quotes Here - And the book Quote Worthy

 

Trivia

I cannot guarantee the accuracy of all the points.

Honey is the only food that does not spoil. 

Humans are born with 300 bones in their body, however, when a person reaches adulthood, he or she only has 206 bones. This occurs because many of them join together to make a single bone. 

If a part of your body "falls asleep", you can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head. 

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. 

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armour raised their visors to reveal their identity. 

If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. 

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day. 

If you started working for a penny a day with the stipulation that your pay doubled each day, you'd be a millionaire in less than a month. (On the 21st day, you would be making $1,048,576.00). 

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off. 

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

In 1391, China began producing toilet paper for use by its Emperors. 

In 1631, two London bible printers accidentally left the word "not" out of the seventh commandment, which then read, "Thou shalt commit adultery." This legendary book is now known as the "Wicked Bible."

In 1819, the USA purchased Florida from Spain for the cancellation of a $5 million debt. 

In Canada, polar bear swims take place on New Year's Day to celebrate the new year. People of all ages don bathing suits and plunge into the icy-cold lake water. 

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase: "Goodnight, sleep tight." 

In the English language, this word has only one vowel, which occurs five times: "indivisibility." 

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. 

Click HERE for more Trivia.

 

Humorous Quotes

Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite. - Germaine Greer

I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children's imaginations, but they'd also be really affordable. - Jarod Kintz

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing

You know… There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband! - Bill Maher

The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself. - Elizabeth Metcalf

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. - Oscar Wilde

Even if a farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start. - Edgar Watson Howe

Some people talk to animals. Not many listen though. That's the problem. - A. A. Milne

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr

Oozing charm from every pore, he oiled his way around the floor. - Alan Jay Lerner

Natural beauty takes at least two hours in front of a mirror. - Pamela Anderson

My mind is a bad neighbourhood that I try not to go into alone. - Anne Lamott

Click Here for more humorous quotes, or Here for the book ‘Of Wit ‘n’ Humour’

 

Happiness

You can be happy even if you had a painful past, and even if the future doesn’t go as planned. Happiness is available right now, if you choose to stop clinging to anger, regret, and fear and appreciate what’s right in front of you. - Lori Deschene

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances. - Martha Washington

Happiness. Peace of mind. Satisfaction. But we're only kidding ourselves. Striving, consuming, and accumulating will never bring happiness. What they bring is anxiety, worry, unhappiness, and – in the long run – ineffectiveness. - Bruce Bickel & Stan Jantz

Happiness was different in childhood. It was so much then a matter simply of accumulation, of taking things – new experiences, new emotions – and applying them like so many polished tiles to what would someday be the marvellously finished pavilion of the self. - John Banville

Repose, leisure, peace, belong among the elements of happiness. If we have not escaped from harried rush, from mad pursuit, from unrest, from the necessity of care, we are not happy. - Josef Pieper

Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you. - Ralph Marston

Happiness, or unhappiness, depends to some extent on external conditions, but also, and in most cases chiefly, on our own physical and mental powers. Some people would be discontented in Paradise, others ... are cheerful in a graveyard. - Arthur Lynch

Surely happiness is reflective, like the light of heaven; and every countenance, bright with smiles, and glowing with innocent enjoyment, is a mirror transmitting to others the rays of a supreme and ever-shining benevolence. - Washington Irving

More on Happiness Here
The book The Pursuit of Happiness

Quote Worthy

Leave the beaten track occasionally and dive into the woods. You will be certain to find something you have never seen before. - Alexander Graham Bell

Experience does not err, it is only your judgment that errs in promising itself results that are not caused by your experiments. - Leonardo Da Vinci

When someone is vicious toward you they are giving you a glimpse of the pain they carry in themselves. Viciousness is suffering. - Bryant McGill

The way to develop decisiveness is to start right where you are, with the very next question you face. - Napoleon Hill

Don’t do anything that you wouldn’t feel comfortable reading about in the newspaper the next day. - Joel Osteen

Feeling and longing are the motive forces behind all human endeavour and human creations. - Albert Einstein

Innocence is thought charming because it offers delightful possibilities for exploitation. - Mason Cooley

The value of moving slowly is that one can always clearly see the way ahead. - Master Suway

Trying to tear down the past prohibits you from building up your future. - Lil Wayne

Where your talents and the needs of the world cross, there lies your calling. - Aristotle

Genius is only a great aptitude for patience. - Georges-Louis Leclerc de Buffon

Make your lives a masterpiece, you only get one canvas. - E.A. Bucchianeri

More Quotes Here - And the book Quote Worthy

Food for Thought

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existence. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvellous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery each day. - Albert Einstein

We don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring, and the only thing we really have is right now. So, don’t stay angry for too long and learn to forgive. Love your friends and family with all your heart. Have fun and live your life the way you want to live it. Most of all, don’t worry about people that don’t like you and enjoy the ones who do. - Unknown

Too many of us wait to do the perfect thing, with the result we do nothing. The way to get ahead is to start now. While many of us are waiting until conditions are ‘just right’ before we go ahead, others are stumbling along, fortunately ignorant of the dangers that beset them. By the time we have, in our superior wisdom, decided to make a start, we discover that those who have gone fearlessly on before, have, in their blundering way, travelled a considerable distance. If you start now, you will know a lot next year that you don’t know now, and that you will not know next year, if you wait. - William Feather

More Food for Thought Here and the book Food for Thought

Paraprosdokians

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. - P.J. O’Rourke

Alcohol is a very effective dissolving agent. It dissolves families, marriages, friendships, jobs, bank accounts and neurons, but never problems. - Unknown

All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband someday. - Franklin P. Jones

Although it gets me in trouble I always speak my mind because it hurts too much to bite my tongue. - Unknown

Don't do drugs, because you will go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison. - John Harwick

My grandfather is eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. He drinks straight out of the bottle. - Unknown

Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well. - Mark Twain

Every day I hear stupid people say things that are not stupid. - Michel de Montaigne

Always look on the bright side of life. Otherwise it’ll be too dark to read. - Unknown

After exercising I always eat a pizza… Just kidding I never exercise. - Unknown

Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching. - Oscar Wilde

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch. - Orson Welles

More Paraprosdokians HERE

Love

It's a cliché, but also a deep truth (as cliché's tend to be), that you can't love another person very well if you don't love yourself. - Harriet Lerner

I've found out that falling in love doesn't have anything to do with time. It can take a year or an instant. It happens when it's ready to happen. - Nora Roberts

If you think love makes you happy, you've either never been in love, or never been in love long enough to have to start compromising. - Laurel K. hanilton

I'm beginning to think that maybe it's not just how much you love someone. Maybe what matters is who you are when you're with them. - Macon Leary

I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed. - Sarah Dessen

I was thinking what a curious thing love is; only a sentiment, and yet it has power to make fools of men and slaves of women. - Louisa May Alcott

If I'm meant to love people, I should love everyone. What kind of tide can an ocean bestow if it picks and chooses the rocks it's willing to touch? - Sarah Lindsay

You may fall in love with the beauty of someone, but remember that finally you have to live with the character, not the beauty. - Unknown

True love in this differs from gold and clay, that to divide is not to take away. Love is like understanding that grows bright, gazing on many truths. - Percy Bysse Shelley

Giving and receiving love is vital to human existence. It is the glue that binds couples, families, communities, cultures, and nations. - Frank Lawlis

More on Love Here, and the book The Light of Love

Quote Worthy

The great blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach; but we shut our eyes, and like people in the dark, we fall foul upon the very thing we search for, without finding it. - Seneca

Look beyond the naked eye and you will see the beauty of one’s soul, and the true essence of who they really are. - Unknown

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. - Dr. Suess

Today's all the treasure poor mortals can boast, for tomorrow's not gain'd, and yesterday's lost. - William Collins

Complete success alienates a man from his fellows, but suffering makes kinsmen of us all. - Elbert Hubbard

We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master. - Ernest Hemingway

Nor eye in a letter, nor hand in a purse, nor ear in the secret of another. - Benjamin Franklin

When one realises one is asleep, at that moment one is already half-awake. - P.D. Ouspensky

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth. - John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike. - J.K. Rowling

Our brightest blazes are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks. - Unknown

The more I learn, the less I understand. – Unknown

More Quotes Here - And the book Quote Worthy

Change

Everything changes: situation, people, time, place and feelings too. There is no solution in complaining, but rather it is wise to accept the changes occurring around us and within us. When life keeps no options for us, it’s better to move on. - Purba Chakraborty

Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favour. - Robert Frost

Nothing gives a sadder sense of decay than this loss or suspension of the power to deal with unaccustomed things, and to keep up with the swiftness of the passing moment. - Nathaniel Hawthorne

Nothing is permanent. This is the central teaching of the Buddha. Not a career, not an institution, not a wife, not a tree ... All is change; change is the only truth. - Paolo PBacigalupi

Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change. - Mary Shelley

Nothing remains constant except change itself. - Unknown

Nothing remains the same from one moment to the next, you can't step into the same river twice. Life – evolution – the whole universe of space/time, matter/energy – existence itself – is essentially change. - Ursula K. le Guin

One change always leaves the door open for the establishment of others. - Niccolò Machiavelli

One moment the world is as it is. The next, it is something entirely different. Something it has never been before. - Anne Rice

One reason people resist change is because they focus on what they have to give up instead of what they have to gain. - Rick Godwin

Only out of stir and change is born new salvation. To deny that is to deny belief in man, to turn our backs on courage! - John Galsworthy

People who wait for changes to occur on the outside before they commit to making changes on the inside will never make any changes at all. - Unknown

Profound and powerful forces are shaking and remaking our world. And the urgent question of our time is whether we can make change our friend and not our enemy. - Bill Clinton

Progress is a nice word. But change is its motivator and change has its enemies. - Robert Kennedy

Societies as well as people become afraid of change as they grow older. It's human nature. The young have adventures while the old sit at home and nurture their memories. - Paul McCauley

Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge. - Eckhart Tolle

The capacity of the human mind for invention far outstrips its ability to assimilate the changes that inventions produce. - Darryl Conner

The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance. - Nathaniel Branden

Humorous Quotes

Pretending to care what men think is an art. It takes moments to learn, but lifetimes to master. I’d like to believe I’m an expert. - Dennis Sharpe

Vanity is becoming a nuisance, I can see why women give it up, eventually. But I'm not ready for that yet. - Margaret Atwood

Nowadays, the only occasions that seem to bring families together are weddings and funerals. - Julia McNamara

At a dinner party, one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely. - W. Somerset Maugham

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people. - Jarod Kintz

To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it. - Andre Maurois

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast. - Marlene Dietrich

My husband says I feed him like he’s a god: every meal is a burnt offering. - Rhonda Hansome

The price of your hat isn’t the measure of your brain. - African American Saying

I stay up late every night and realize it’s a bad idea every morning. - Unknown

Of all the things I've lost, it's my mind I miss the most. - Ozzy Osbourne

Never choose your women or linen by candlelight. - French Proverb

Click Here for more humorous quotes, or Here for the book ‘Of Wit ‘n’ Humour’

Friends

Tis' the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected. - Charles Lamb

Two people are never such good friends as when they share a mutual dislike of a third person. - Unknown

You meet people who forget you. You forget people you meet. But sometimes you meet those people you can't forget. Those are your friends. - Unknown

A true friend will see you through when others see that you are through. - Unknown

Candour is a compliment; it implies equality. It's how true friends talk. - Peggy Noonan

Caring was the only thing I ever did when we were friends. The minute you turned your back is the minute I realized I deserved better. - Unknown

Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends. - Czech Proverb

For a friend with an understanding heart is worth no less than a brother. - Homer

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces. - Anne Morrow Lindbergh

My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life. - Lee Iacocca

Friendship is also about liking a person for their failings, their weakness. It’s also about mutual help, not about exploitation. - Paul Theroux

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’ - C.S. Lewis

More quotes on Friends and Friendship Here And the book, Friends Indeed