I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest. - Unknown
A note to the people who didn’t like me: I wasn’t trying to impress you anyway. - Unknown
I love it when people think they’re going to punish me by not talking to me. - Unknown
Following the “five-second rule” for food that fell to the floor is tough when you’ve got a two-second dog. - Unknown
I am at that age where my mind still thinks I am 29, my humour suggests I am 12 while my body mostly keeps asking if I am sure I am not dead yet. - Unknown
How to avoid stress at work? Don’t go to work. - Unknown
I’ve cut down on my drinking, and now only have one vodka before going to bed. Last night I went to bed eight times. - Unknown
Life is like diarrhoea. No matter how hard you try and stop it, the shit just keeps coming. - Unknown
I wish I was still a kid so I could just take a long nap and everyone would be proud of me. - Unknown
Never underestimate how much assistance, how much satisfaction, how much comfort, how much soul and transcendence there might be in a well-made taco and a cold bottle of beer. - Tom Robbins
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. - Groucho Marx
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