Humorous Quotes

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. - Mark Twain

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ - Paula Poundstone

There's lotion for your face, for your hands, for your feet, for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? - Ellen DeGeneres

There is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later. - Douglas Adams

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers. - Rodney Dangerfield

A woman is always ready to describe another woman as charming, but only if the other woman is not charming. - Evan Esar

The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss. - Jarod Kintz

If you want breakfast in bed, you have to consider sleeping in the kitchen. - Unknown

Any fool can tell the truth. It requires a man of some sense to lie well. - Unknown

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. - Oscar Wilde

Some minds are so unclothed that they are indecent. - Austin O’Malley

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first. - Ernestine Ulmer

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