Humorous Quotes

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. - Charles Caleb Colton

When kids hit 1 year old, it’s like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit. - Johnny Depp

Failure is regarded in Hollywood as practically a contagious disease; people will literally cross the road to avoid someone who is tainted with it. - Barry Norman

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. - Erma Bombeck

Growing up is a terribly hard thing to do. It is much easier to skip it and go from one childhood to another. - F. Scott Fitzgerald

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

You can’t judge the ability of a doctor by the amount of praise the undertakers give him. - Evan Esar

They're all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one. - Agatha Trunchbull

A woman likes a strong, silent man because she thinks he is listening. - Croft M. Pentz

If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn’t say Hi to folks, I’d say BOO! - Unknown

I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them. - Jarod Kintz

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