Humour

I was offered sex today with a Victoria’s Secret mode. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on my Facebook page. Of course, I declined because I am a person of high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the incredibly strong bathroom cleanser. Now available in lemon scent and vanilla. - Unknown

A wedding ring is a symbol of commitment; a promise, a pledge, and a vow. The promise is to forsake all others, to stay devoted and true; the pledge is to honour that promise selflessly, to see the whole thing through; and the vow is to keep that pledge unwaveringly, until the days are few. It is a mutual agreement to become one instead of two. - J. W. Lord

A woman ... all beautiful and accomplished will, while her hand and heart are undisposed of, turn the heads and set the circle in which she moves on fire. Let her marry, and what is the consequence? The madness ceases and all is quiet again. Why? Not because there is any diminution in the charms of the lady, but because there is an end of hope. - George Washington

One of the trickiest forms of bad advice is seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice. Take for example ‘Know your limitations’ and ‘Man's reach should exceed his grasp.’ Which is it? It can't be both, can it? No! But for years I have bounced between the frustration of having my reach exceed my grasp and the boredom of the certain knowledge of my limitations. Don't make the same mistake. When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both. ‘Turn the other cheek’ cancels ‘An eye for an eye,’ leaving us free to render justice in accordance to whatever cockamamie principles we happen to come up with that morning. - Al Franken

Stealing, of course, is a crime, and a very impolite thing to do. But like most impolite things, it is excusable under certain circumstances. Stealing is not excusable if, for instance, you are in a museum and you decide that a certain painting would look better in your house, and you simply grab the painting and take it there. But if you were very, very hungry, and you had no way of obtaining money, it would be excusable to grab the painting, take it to your house, and eat it. - Daniel Handler

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