Humorous Quotes

Divorce is simply modern society's version of medieval torture. Except it lasts longer and leaves deeper scars. A divorce releases the most primitive emotions; the ugliest, raw feelings. Emotionally wounded people do their best to inflict pain upon the other party, but rather than using claws they use divorce lawyers. - William Shatner

Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods. - Christopher Hitchens

In my vast experience, I’ve found it always wiser to go along with female advice … First, you make them happy by doing what they tell you. That’s the main thing. Let them think they’re in control. They love it. Then, if it turns out they were right, everything’s cool. If it turns out they were wrong ... then you have the pleasure of basking in the glow of superiority. - Richard Laymon

It is a peculiarity of knitters that they chronically underestimate the amount of time it takes to knit something. Birthday on Saturday? No problem. Socks are small. Never mind that the average sock knit out of sock-weight yarn contains about 17,000 stitches. Never mind that you need two of them. (That’s 34,000 stitches, for anybody keeping track.) Socks are only physically small. By stitch count, they are immense. - Stephanie Pearl-McPhee

One of the strengths of Internet dating is that it’s anonymously impersonal, which helps take the sting out of rejection. If you're interested in someone who notices your profile or you're intrigued by a computer-generated match, let the e-mail begin. If you're not interested, delete the e-mail with about the same level of remorse you'd feel from dumping jellyfish overboard. - Judsen Culbreth

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