Things I Learned From Horror Movies

When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it is really dead. 

If you find that your house 

a) was built upon or near a cemetery, 

b) was once a church that was used for black masses, 

c) had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices…….. 

move away immediately. 

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. 

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. 

As a general rule, do not solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. 

If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away. 

Do not fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you are sure you know what you are doing. 

If you are running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you. 

Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block thingies on your work surface. 

When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, for God’s sake turn the bloody lights on! 

Never back out of one room into another without looking. It is always behind you. 

Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.

Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road. 

Never say that you will be right back because you will not. 

If anything other than water (blood, thick goo of any colour) comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately. 

If, looking in a mirror, 

a) you see a figure behind you that you do not see upon turning around, 

b) you see a different room than the one you are in, 

c) you see a figure other than yourself looking back, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed. 

If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house. 

Always check the back seat of your car. 

The first time that you are absolutely sure that the monster/killer is dead or the hell gate is finally closed forever, you are in the most danger. Do not relax. 

Objects moving in a mysterious fashion should be considered a very bad sign. 

If on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you. 

If you come into possession of a strange old artefact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, Indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are. 

If one of your group is missing for a while and, upon returning, no longer seems as frightened, assuring you that there is really nothing to be worried about, do not let them get behind you. They have joined the other team. 

If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back to normal, kill them because they are not normal!

Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be viewed with fear - especially on the spot where the event took place, on even century anniversaries and certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants. 

After you kill the maniac, do not stand anywhere near the body and do not drop the gun, knife or other instrument of death because (1) they are not dead; and (2) you will be needing the instrument of death again. 

Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. They will eventually get you killed. 

Kill the greedy person in the group. They will eventually get you killed. 

Never, make fun of the local yokel's stories about deformed killer babies in backwoods towns - you can bet they are real and you might get them angry. 

Never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy strange new kid, those pranksters will soon meet their doom and often in a horribly gory way. 

If the female or male in your group is too scared to shoot when the monster is bearing down on you, grab the gun and shoot the monster yourself or use your weapon to kill both the monster and your friend, especially if there are more monsters around. Your friend was dead weight. 

Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl, she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger. 

Nothing is ever over if it is still night time. 

If it seems like you have just woken up from a horrible nightmare, chances are you are still in grave danger. 

Take heed of all warnings from animals and children. They usually know more than you do. 

Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.

The Man Who Thinks He Can …

              If you think you are beaten, you are. If you think that you dare not, you don't. If you'd like to win, but you think you can't, it's almost certain you won't. If you think you'll lose, you've lost. For, out in the world you'll find, Success begins with a fellow's will. It's all in the state of mind. 

              If you think you are outclassed, you are. You've got to think high to rise. You've got to be sure of yourself before you can ever win a prize. Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man, but sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

- Unknown 

He can who thinks he can, and he can't who thinks he can't. This is an inexorable, indisputable law. - Orison Swett Marden 

Things I learned From The Movies

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds. 

Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation. 

It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. 

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. 

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. 

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. 

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. 

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. 

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. 

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. 

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on. 

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not. 

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. 

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. 

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of twenty-two. 

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least twenty minutes to escape. 

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. 

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. 

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving. 

You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. 

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. 

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

Artists

Two artists

Imagine. Drawing/painting a potrait in a couple of minutes, and he makes it look so effortless.

Another artist, Stephen Wiltshire - but of a different genre.

Sunset

A nice shot of the beautiful sunset. Courtesy of my friend ‘Rosie’.

Our Relationship With Our Fellowman

No matter how independent we think we are, or would like to be, the fact remains that a person cannot live a lone existence. It is just not possible. We interact with our fellowmen every day, from the moment we step out of the house till we come home. And even then, we interact with people through the phone, text messages, computer, chat rooms etc……..

Our relationship with other people constitute one of the fundamental facet of our lives. We may find some people interesting to be with, and may try to get to know them better, or we may find people boring, and try to avoid them.

Psychologists are well aware of a clear link between depression and social isolation, especially in the elderly, who lack the regular structure, the daily routine, that brings them into contact with others. Losing the opportunity to trade information also deprives a person of the means to explore problems.

Our casual relationships, and friendships provide us with opportunities for brief shared experiences, and the exchanging of information, feelings and ideas which can serve to counteract feelings of isolation and boredom.

Human beings are social animals – some more so than others. That being the case, it is not far off to say that our quality of life depends in part, on how well we relate to other people, and how well we get on with the people around us. 

Unfortunately, many factors stand in the way of our relationship with people; conflicting self-interest, inhibition, attitude problem, cynicism, scepticism, inability to listen, intolerance towards individual differences... The list goes on. These and many more other human follies keep us from building meaningful relationships. 

We are all different - in character, in behaviour, in temperament etc…. No two people are quite alike although they might share some common character traits or interests. As such, getting along with people requires tact. Some would say getting along with people is an art.

We may not be friends. We may not even like the fellow. But, there is no need to be enemies. A little give and take on both sides, a little forbearance, will make life a little smoother and easier for everyone. It might help to bear in mind that life is short, and a little goodwill all around will not only be much appreciated, it will benefit us as well.

After all, “No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent.” - John Donne 

And it is said that the best indication of our maturity is in our ability to form growing, meaningful and lasting relationships.

Things I learned from Chinese Swordsman Movies

The hero and villain will fight at the inn with chopsticks and bowls sitting down. When the fighting hots up; both fly out of the window and start a big fight on the street. Bystanders always crowd round and point fingers at them with bored, expressionless faces. 

Street traders always sell the same things - cloth, candy, masks, puppets, buns. And people enjoy buns so much they always have one in the knapsack. 

Heroes need not work, they always have gold and silver to pay for food. 

The inn is an information centre where, during lunch, you will overhear the latest news in the pugilistic world. 

Girls are not afraid of peeping toms even though the walls and doors are partially made of paper. 

When trying to kill someone inside the room, the assassin uses saliva and makes a hole in the paper wall, then blows in sleeping gas. 

The heroes and villains meet each other very often, no matter how big the country. 

It is easy to immobilize someone – just touch him with your forefinger and middle finger anywhere on his body…but he can still curse and swear. To reverse the process, just tap your fingers randomly on him. 

Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down cross-legged, palms on knees, while smoke emits from the head. 

People in the pugilistic world do not have to work, but nose around other people’s business. The only ones doing real work are the beggars, who belong to some union that unites them in one spot at the same time. 

All young lads dressed in white/silver/gold and carrying fans are depraved monsters, usually sons of rich, lecherous men. The real hero always wears khaki colours and travels incognito until forced to reveal his skills in a fight in a roadside inn.

People skilled in marital arts can fly over rooftops, up trees and across distances without a sweat. But when travelling between towns, they need to walk or ride. 

Being the hero’s parents will always be unlucky, - they will usually be killed by enemies when the hero is young and he will become an orphan. 

When a man is wounded and dying, he always manages to catch his breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his head and be declared dead. 

They can keep a lot of stuff in their sleeves and waistband and never drop them (carrying especially lots of those gold and silver ingots).

Just for Laughs

I love the skits on the program “Just for Laughs”. They are usually quite funny. And the best part is you don’t have to think – just watch it and laugh! Here’s one for you!

Just for laughs





This is wicked, but so funny!
Drive Carefully

You Cut and I'll Choose

              Two small boys were walking slowly, deep in conversation when they stopped to share an apple. “You cut and I’ll choose,” said one to the other. A penknife appeared, the cut was made and the choice decided. 

              What a splendid way of ensuring an apple is equally shared! Perhaps this world could get along with fewer conferences and agreements, if only the powers that be had the simple solution that schoolboys worked out centuries ago.

The Optimist Creed

Promise Yourself ...

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. 

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. 

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them. 

To look on the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. 

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. 

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet. 

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others. 

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. 

- Source Unknown 

This, too, shall pass away.

Art thou in misery, brother? Then I pray Be comforted. Thy grief shall pass away. 

Art thou elated? Ah, be not too gay; Temper thy joy: this, too, shall pass away. 

Art thou in danger? Still let reason sway, And cling to hope: this, too, shall pass away. 

Tempted art thou? In all thine anguish lay One truth to heart: this, too, shall pass away. 

Do rays of loftier glory round thee play? Kinglike art thou? This, too, shall pass away! 

Whate'er thou art, wher'er thy footsteps stray, Heed these wise words: This, too, shall pass away. 

- Paul Hamilton Hayne 

Time to bag this idea

The claim: If you are hyperventilating, breathe into a paper bag.

The facts: Like a bandage for a cut or a crutch for a broken leg, the brown paper bag is a symbol for hyperventilation.

Grabbing a bag and breathing into it repeatedly, known in medical literature as ‘rebreathing’, has long been recommended to ease rapid, uncontrolled breathing.

Some doctors even keep bags in their office for that reason. But most medical studies and experts suggest that the method, though accepted, is dangerous and should be retired.

The idea behind it is to increase carbon dioxide levels. Hyperventilation causes the body to expel too much carbon dioxide and ‘rebreathing’ exhaled air helps restore that lost gas.

The problem is that several medical condition, like asthma and heart attacks, can be confused with hyperventilation. In such cases, reducing oxygen and increasing carbon dioxide can be deadly.

One study in Then Annals Of Emergency Medicine described three cases in which people having heart attacks thought wrongly that they were hyperventilation and died after losing oxygen while breathing into bags.

Another study said using a bag was no better at easing hyperventilation than using an open tube. For better results, experts said, stay calm and practise breathing slowly and deliberately.

The Bottom line: Most studies advise against using paper bags to treat hyperventilation.

- The New York Times

Look After Your Health

Smoking can damage your health

Things You Would Never Know Without Indian Movies

The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine or vice versa unless they first perform a dance number in the rain. 

Two lovers can be dancing in the field and out of nowhere, 100 people will appear from God-knows-where and join them in the dance. 

In the final scene, the hero will discover that the bad guy who he is up against is actually his brother and the maid who looked after him is his mother and the chief inspector is his father and the Judge is his uncle and so forth. 

Key English words used in the movie (usually said out loud between sentences) are By the Way, No Problem!, My God!, Get Out!, Shut-up!, Impossible!, Please forgive me! 

People can drop down on the ground, roll and roll while singing and come out with different clothing. 

People can run around the coconut trees, singing, batting eyelids, and throwing glances at each other and changing clothes all at the same time without being out of breath.

Street Football

Absolutely brilliant foot work and moves - albeit reckless in some of the set ups. I guess boys will be boys!

The Paradox

              The paradox of our time in history is that :- 

              We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; 

              We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less; 

              We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; 

              We have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgement; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness;

              We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values;

              We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often;

              We learned how to make a living, but not a life;

              We have added years to life, not life to years;

              We have been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour;

              We have conquered outer space, but not inner space; 

              We have have cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; 

              We have split the atom, but not our prejudice; 

              We have higher incomes, but lower morals; 

              We have become long on quantity, but short on quality;

              These are the times of tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships;

              These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition; 

              These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes;

              It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom.

What do you think? 

The Numa Numa Man

            His name is Gary Brolsma. Four years ago, he was nineteen.
            Now picture this:- A nineteen year-old-guy at home and bored. He decided to have some fun by ‘performing’ to the song Numa Numa. His webcam recorded his performance and he thought, “What the heck. I’ll put it up on You-tube, and see what happens.”
            That video is viewed over 14,500,000 times now, and counting. That’s what happened. On top of that, he got 2 movie deals, cut a CD, and appearances on talk shows, out of it. Not bad, is it?
            He found fame on the internet. Now why didn’t I think of that!?

Sunset

I think sunset is one of the most beautiful scenes of the day. I love watching the sun set. However, watching the sun set always brings about a mixed bag of emotions. 

Firstly, I am awed by the beauty of the sunset.

Secondly, as the setting sun diminished over the horizon, I get a feeling of sadness for not being able to hold on to the spectacular scene, a sense of helplessness as I watched the sun go down.

Thirdly, sunset signifies the passing of another day – never to return, a day in our life lost forever – made sadder, if we realized that we had not made good use of the day.

I know - silly me! 

Of course, for some people, the sunset could mean that the day, however long or hard is finally over, and they can take comfort that they have make it through another day. They can rest their cares for the time being, till the dawn brings about another day with its new tidings.

Here’s a quote which states the true, sad fact of the setting sun!

"The sun inexorably rises and sets, and one day, for each of us, the sun will go down for the last time." - James Baldwin 

Always Remember Those Who Serve You

            

             In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. “How much is an ice cream sundae?” he asked.

            “Fifty cents,” replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. “Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?” he inquired.

            By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. “Thirty-five cents,” she brusquely replied.

            The little boy again counted his coins. “I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

            When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, the boy couldn’t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1

            A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

            A rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day

long?”

            The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”

            So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

            A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

            Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 2

            A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

            They rub it and a Genie comes out.

            The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

            “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk.

            “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

            “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,

relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of

Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

            “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

            The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

            Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 3

            There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splattering when he hit the floor. Dead.

            The moral of the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know you are full of shit.

Corporate Lesson 4

            A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower, when the doorbell rings.

            The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

            When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

            Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that

towel.”

            After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

            After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.

            The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

            When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

            “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

            “Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

            Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to

credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position

to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 5

            A turkey was chatting with a bull.

            “I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree,” sighed the

turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

            “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

            The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

            The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

            Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

            Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

            Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.