Sunday, 15 June 2008

Things I learned from Chinese Swordsman Movies

The hero and villain will fight at the inn with chopsticks and bowls sitting down. When the fighting hots up; both fly out of the window and start a big fight on the street. Bystanders always crowd round and point fingers at them with bored, expressionless faces. 

Street traders always sell the same things - cloth, candy, masks, puppets, buns. And people enjoy buns so much they always have one in the knapsack. 

Heroes need not work, they always have gold and silver to pay for food. 

The inn is an information centre where, during lunch, you will overhear the latest news in the pugilistic world. 

Girls are not afraid of peeping toms even though the walls and doors are partially made of paper. 

When trying to kill someone inside the room, the assassin uses saliva and makes a hole in the paper wall, then blows in sleeping gas. 

The heroes and villains meet each other very often, no matter how big the country. 

It is easy to immobilize someone – just touch him with your forefinger and middle finger anywhere on his body…but he can still curse and swear. To reverse the process, just tap your fingers randomly on him. 

Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down cross-legged, palms on knees, while smoke emits from the head. 

People in the pugilistic world do not have to work, but nose around other people’s business. The only ones doing real work are the beggars, who belong to some union that unites them in one spot at the same time. 

All young lads dressed in white/silver/gold and carrying fans are depraved monsters, usually sons of rich, lecherous men. The real hero always wears khaki colours and travels incognito until forced to reveal his skills in a fight in a roadside inn.

People skilled in marital arts can fly over rooftops, up trees and across distances without a sweat. But when travelling between towns, they need to walk or ride. 

Being the hero’s parents will always be unlucky, - they will usually be killed by enemies when the hero is young and he will become an orphan. 

When a man is wounded and dying, he always manages to catch his breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his head and be declared dead. 

They can keep a lot of stuff in their sleeves and waistband and never drop them (carrying especially lots of those gold and silver ingots).

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