Sunday, 29 June 2008

Things I Learned From Horror Movies

When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it is really dead. 

If you find that your house 
a) was built upon or near a cemetery, 
b) was once a church that was used for black masses, 
c) had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices…….. 
move away immediately. 

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. 

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. 

As a general rule, do not solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. 

If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away. 

Do not fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you are sure you know what you are doing. 

If you are running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you. 

Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block thingies on your work surface. 

When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, for God’s sake turn the bloody lights on! 

Never back out of one room into another without looking. It is always behind you. 

Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.

Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road. 

Never say that you will be right back because you will not. 

If anything other than water (blood, thick goo of any colour) comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately. 

If, looking in a mirror, 
a) you see a figure behind you that you do not see upon turning around, 
b) you see a different room than the one you are in, 
c) you see a figure other than yourself looking back, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed. 

If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house. 

Always check the back seat of your car. 

The first time that you are absolutely sure that the monster/killer is dead or the hell gate is finally closed forever, you are in the most danger. Do not relax. 

Objects moving in a mysterious fashion should be considered a very bad sign. 

If on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you. 

If you come into possession of a strange old artefact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, Indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are. 

If one of your group is missing for a while and, upon returning, no longer seems as frightened, assuring you that there is really nothing to be worried about, do not let them get behind you. They have joined the other team. 

If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back to normal, kill them because they are not normal!

Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be viewed with fear - especially on the spot where the event took place, on even century anniversaries and certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants. 

After you kill the maniac, do not stand anywhere near the body and do not drop the gun, knife or other instrument of death because (1) they are not dead; and (2) you will be needing the instrument of death again. 

Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. They will eventually get you killed. 

Kill the greedy person in the group. They will eventually get you killed. 

Never, make fun of the local yokel's stories about deformed killer babies in backwoods towns - you can bet they are real and you might get them angry. 

Never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy strange new kid, those pranksters will soon meet their doom and often in a horribly gory way. 

If the female or male in your group is too scared to shoot when the monster is bearing down on you, grab the gun and shoot the monster yourself or use your weapon to kill both the monster and your friend, especially if there are more monsters around. Your friend was dead weight. 

Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl, she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger. 

Nothing is ever over if it is still night time. 

If it seems like you have just woken up from a horrible nightmare, chances are you are still in grave danger. 

Take heed of all warnings from animals and children. They usually know more than you do. 

Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.

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