Humorous Quotes

Quotes which are funny, ironical, as well as simply, or profoundly true.

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. - Bill Hoest

I know a lot of people think I'm dumb. Well, at least I ain’t no educated fool. - Leon Spinks

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. -Robert Benchley

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! - Tom Lehrer

I made a game effort to argue but two things were against me: the umpires and the rules. - Leo Durocher

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. - Ashleigh Brilliant 

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be. - Douglas Adams

I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong. - Lucy Van Pelt

I never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes. - Leo Durocher

I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite. - Gilbert Chesterton

I refuse to worry about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in a geriatric ward. - Writer John Mortimer, 82

I resign. I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. - Groucho Marx

I say to my patient, "I wish you a very good journey to an unknown you’ve never seen." - Dr. Pieter V. Admiraal

I spent the afternoon musing on Life. If you come to think of it, what a queer thing Life is! So unlike anything else, don’t you know, if you see what I mean. - P. G. Wodehouse