Humorous Quotes

Quotes which are funny, ironical, as well as simply, or profoundly true.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple Black

I suppose it is much more comfortable to be mad and not know it than to be sane and have one’s doubts. - George Brown Burgin

I suppose that I shall have to die beyond my means. - Oscar Wilde on being charged a large fee for an operation

I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it. - Charles Schulz 

I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm. - Franklin Roosevelt

I think we risk becoming the best informed society that has ever died of ignorance. - Unknown

I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I was not poor, I was needy. They told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy, I was deprived. (Oh not deprived but rather underprivileged.) Then they told me underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime but I have a great vocabulary. - Jules Feiffer

I wish I could be half as sure of anything as some people are of everything. - Gerald Barzan

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called “brightness”, but it doesn’t seem to work. - Gallagher

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. - George Carlin

I’ll give you a definite maybe. - Samuel Goldwyn

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it. - George Carlin

I’m like a big old hen. I can’t cluck too long about the egg I’ve just laid because I’ve got five more inside me pushing to get out. - Louis L'Amour