Humorous Quotes

Quotes which are funny, ironical, as well as simply, or profoundly true.

If you aren’t fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm. - Vincent Lombardi

If you ask enough people, you can usually find someone who’ll advise you to do what you were going to do anyway. - Weston Smith 

If you believe the doctors, nothing is wholesome; if you believe the theologians, nothing is innocent; if you believe the military, nothing is safe. - Lord Salisbury

If you bungle raising your children, I do not think whatever else you do well matters very much. - Jacqueline Kennedy

If you can keep your head about you when all about you are losing theirs, it’s just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Rose Kennedy

If you can’t convince ’em, confuse ’m. - Harry Truman

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. - W. C. Fields

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. - Theodore Roosevelt

If you don't drink, smoke, or drive a car, you're a tax evader. - Thomas S. Foley

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. - Mark Twain

If you owe your bank a hundred pounds, you have a problem, but if you owe a million, it has. - John Maynard

If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing, it’s because I’ve already done it. - Unknown

If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism. If you steal from two, it's research. - John Burke

If you suffer, thank God! It is a sure sign that you are alive. - Elbert Hubbard

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter. - John Gotti