Humorous Quotes

Quotes which are funny, ironical, as well as simply, or profoundly true.

If I look confused it is because I am thinking. - Samuel Goldwyn

If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all. - Joey Adams

If it's true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers. - Doris Day

If one is to be called a liar, one may as well make an effort to deserve the name. - A. A. Milne

If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later to be found out. - Oscar Wilde

If people were forced to eat what they killed, there would be no more wars. - Abbie Hoffman

If some great catastrophe is not announced every morning, we feel a certain void. Nothing in the paper today, we sigh. - Lord Acton 

If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. - Norman Augustine

If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher. - Unknown

If the grass on the other side of the fence appears greener . . . it must be all the fertilizer they are using. - Kevin Rodowicz

If things go wrong, don’t go with them. - Roger Babson 

If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. - Norman Augustine 

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. - Laurence Peter

If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and colour, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon. - George Aiken

If you are good for nothing else, you can still serve as a bad example. - Peter Ludwig Berger