Humorous Quotes

Quotes which are funny, ironical, quirky, some of which are also profoundly true.

When I was young there was no respect for the young, and now that I am old there is no respect for the old. I missed out coming and going. - J. B. Priestley

When people tell you how young you look, they are also telling you how old you are. - Cary Grant

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? - George Carlin

When the stock market is booming, everyone suddenly becomes an expert stock advisor. When it falls everyone suddenly changes occupation. - Unknown

When they discover the centre of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it. - Bernard Bailey

When they finally find the centre of the universe, there are so many people who are in for a rude awakening. - Unknown

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they “don't understand” one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to. - Helen Rowland

When you are dead, you don’t know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others. It is the same when you are stupid. - Unknown

When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one. - Mark Twain

When you finally make the ends meet, they move the ends. - Matt Biershbach

When you see what some women marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen Rowland

When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snapback. - Bill Copeland

When you’ve told someone that you’ve left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once. - Samuel Butler

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" It is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. - Erma Bombeck