Humorous Quotes

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Women have served all these centuries as looking-glasses possessing the magic and delicious power of reflecting the figure of man at twice its natural size. - Virginia Woofe

It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full … Be grateful that you have a glass, and there is something in it. - Unknown

They’ve promised that dreams can come true – but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams, too. - Oscar Wilde

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. - Will Rogers

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets. - Unknown

Don’t explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin. - Robert A. Heinlein

Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder. - Thornton Wilder

You talk to God, you’re religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. - Dr. Gregory House 

People can lose their lives in libraries. They ought to be warned. - Saul Bellow

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. - Unknown

Life’s a lot like beer, chill for best results. - Unknown

My life is one long blooper reel! - Tom Wilson

Success

People who think achieving success is a linear A-to-Z process, a straight shot to the top, simply aren't in touch with reality. There are very few bona fide overnight success stories. It just doesn’t work that way. Success appears to happen overnight because we all see stories in newspapers and on TV about previously unknown people who have suddenly become famous. But consider a sequoia tree that has been growing for several hundred years. Just because a television crew one day decides to do a story about that tree doesn't mean it didn't exist before. - Donald Trump 

Quote Worthy

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The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between the two eternities of darkness. - Vladimir Nabokov

Most of our lives, most of us live in realities determined by others, imprinted in our brains by education, by religion, by politics, by the authorities. - Tim Leary

Those who make their dress a principle part of themselves, will, in general, become of no more value than their dress. - William Hazlitt

Have the maturity to know sometimes silence is more powerful than having the last word. - Thema Davis

If you are wrong, own up to what you didn’t do right. That’s how you learn and earn respect. - Unknown

Sometimes the bad times in our life put us on a direct path to the very best times of our life. - Unknown

One person with commitment accomplishes more than a thousand with an opinion. - Orrin Woodward

Don't cry for a man who's left you, the next one may fall for your smile. - Mae West

He who is firm and resolute in will moulds the world to himself. - Goethe

Spring is when life's alive in everything. - Christina Rossetti

We judge man’s wisdom by his hope. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A library is infinity under a roof. - Gail Carson Levine

Death

Even if those who take their own lives feel they have no choice – indeed, they often tragically believe their family and friends will be better off without them – the death rarely appears inevitable to those left behind. Feelings of anger and guilt and abandonment invade them, as if love should or could have prevented what happened. Survivors relive, over and over, the last days and months, even years, before the suicide, seeing now the signs that were missed, which they believe they should have recognized. - Susan Sterling

It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things. - Daniel Handler

Food for Thought

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Success is in the student, not in the university; greatness is in the individual, not in the library; power is in the man, not in his crutches. A great man will make opportunities, even out of the commonest and meanest situations. If a man is not superior to his education, is not larger than his crutches or his helps, if he is not greater than the means of his culture, which are but the sign-boards pointing the way to success, he will never reach greatness. Not learning, not culture alone, not helps and opportunities, but personal power and sterling integrity, make a man great. - Orison Swett Marden

The zest for life of those unusual men and women who make a great zealous success of living is due more often in good part to the craftiness and pertinacity with which they manage to overlook the misery of others. You can watch them watch life beat the stuffing out of the faces of their friends and acquaintances, although they themselves seem to outwit the dense delalys of social custom, the tedious tick-tock of bureaucratic obfuscation, accepting loss and age and change and disappointment without suffering punctures in their stomach lining. - Edward Hoagland

Happiness

Sharing a story on happiness, which I came across on Facebook.

          A beautiful, expensively dressed lady went to visit a consellor to seek out happiness. she said she felt that her whole life was empty, it had no meaning.
          The conusellor called over the old lady who cleaned the office floors and then said to the rich lady, "I am going to ask Mary here to tell you how she found happiness. All I want you to do is listen to her."
          So the old lady put down her broom, sat on a chair and told her story.
          "Well, my husband died of malaria and three months later my only son was killed by a car. I had nobody - I had nothing left. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I never smiled at anyone, I ever though of taking my own life.
          "Then one evening, a little kitten followed me home from work. somehow, I felt sorry for that kitten. It was cold outside, so I decided to let the kitten in. I got it some milk, and the kitten licked the plate clean. Then it purred and rubbed against my leg and, for the first time in months, I smiled.
         "The I stopped to think, if helping a little kitten could make me smile, maybe doing something for people could make me happy.
          "So, the next day I bakes some biscuits and took them to a neighbour who was sick in bed.
          "Every day, I tried to do something nice for someone. It made me so happy to see them happy.
          "Today, I don't know of anybody who sleeps and eats better than I do. I've found happiness, by giving it to others."
           When she heard that, the rich lady cried. She had everything that money could buy, but she had lost the things which money cannot buy.
          The beauty of life does not depend on how happy you are; but on how happy others can be because of you.

Please click on this link for more on happiness: http://anetizen.blogspot.sg/search/label/Happiness

Humorous Quotes

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We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think that yesterday was better than today. I personally don’t think it was – and if you’re hung up on nostalgia, my advice is to pretend that today is yesterday and go out and have a helluva time. - Art Buchwald

For the first half of your life, people tell you what you should do; for the second half, they tell you what you should have done. - Richard Needham

There is no beast, no rush of fire, like woman so untamed. She calmly goes her way where even panthers would be shamed. - Aristophanes

The difference between machines and human beings is that human beings can be reproduced by unskilled labor. - Arthur C. Clarke

I went for years without finishing anything. Because, of course, when you finish something you can be judged. - Erica Jong

No one ever does live happily ever after, but we leave the children to find that out for themselves. - Stephen King

Love ... Just Nature's way of getting one person to pay the bills for another person. - Jeanette Winterson

You can always get a facelift, tummy tuck, breast implants, etc. but you can't fix stupid. - Ron White

Some days, it feels like the same old circus with different clowns. - Unknown

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. - Adlai Stevenson

Women want to be treated as equals, not sequels. - Kathy Lette

If you want to stay single, look for a perfect woman. - Ken Alstad

Love

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It is not the healthy, the confident, the proud, the joyous, the happy, that one must love – they have no need of one’s love! Arrogant and indifferent, they accept love only as homage that is theirs to command, as their due. The devotion of another is to them a mere embellishment, an ornament for the hair, a bracelet on the arm, not the whole meaning and bliss of their lives. Only those with whom life has dealt hardly, the wretched, the slighted, the uncertain, the unlovely, the humiliated, could really be helped by love. He who devotes his life to them atones to them for what life has taken from them. They alone know how to love and be loved as one should love -- gratefully and humbly. - Stefan Zweig

Quote Worthy

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Thinkers think and doers do. But until the thinkers do and the doers think, progress will be just another word in the already overburdened vocabulary by sense. - François de La Rochefoucauld

When we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us: power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health, and our happiness. - Dale Carnegie

Never think hard about the Past, it brings tears. Don't think more about the Future, it brings fears. Live this moment with a Smile, it brings Cheers. - Buddhist Quote

This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the yesterdays. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sometimes you have to experience what you don’t want in life to come to a full understanding of what you do want. - Mandy Hale

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. - Judy Garland

I am more afraid of an army of 100 sheep led by a lion than an army of 100 lions led by a sheep. - Talleyrand

As long as a man stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Doing what you like is freedom. Liking what you do is happiness. - Frank Tyger

Only through imitation do we develop toward originality. - John Steinbeck

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. - Jimi Hendrix

The early bird catches the worm. - John Ray

Eating Meat

Clarification on monks and Buddhist eating meat

What did the Buddha say about eating meat

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSjKt3fSziM

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Humorous Quotes

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Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean Kerr

The first time you buy a house you think how pretty it is and sign the check. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men. - Lupe Velez

When you go into Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve  people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Unknown

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey

Ever wonder why there is a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? Apparently, there is more traffic going to hell. - Unknown

It's surprising how much wisdom every man possesses –  if not for his own affairs, then for the affairs of others. - Evan Esar

One of the best parts of growing older? You can flirt all you like since you've become harmless. - Liz Smith

Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little. - Thomas Aloysius Dorgan

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. - Russian Proverb

There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do. - Amy Poehler

I have never been hurt by what I have not said. - Calvin Coolidge

Friends

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Close friendships are one of life’s miracles – that a few people get to know you deeply, all your messy or shadowy stuff along with the beauty and sweetness, and they still love you. Not only still love you, but love you more and more deeply. I would do anything for my closest friends, and they would do almost anything for me, and that is about as spiritual a truth as you can get. - Anne Lamott

Best friends are a source of constant support in our lives. Be it sharing secrets, exchanging advice, planning the future or just killing time doing nothing – every moment spent with them is a memory to be cherished forever. It always feels great to have your best friend around since she makes life worthwhile just by being a part of it. So cherish your best friends and let them know how special they are. - Unknown

Quote Worthy

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When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life. - Greg Anderson

Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another. - Napoleon Hill

Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armour, and it can never be used to hurt you. - Tyrion Lannister

Procrastination is one of the most common and deadliest of diseases and its toll on success and happiness is heavy. - Wayne Gretzky

Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted. - Albert Einstein

If we do not feel grateful for what we already have, what makes us think we'd be happy with more? - Ritu Ghatourey

Anybody who can think clearly can write clearly, about any subject at all. - William Zinsser

You don't drown by falling into water. You only drown if you stay there. - Zig Ziglar

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. - Annie Dillard

Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched. - Proverb

Great intellects are sceptical. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Be someone that makes you happy. - Unknown

Food For Thought

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. - Unknown

Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they are presented with evidence that works against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted. It would create a feeling that is extremely uncomfortable, called cognitive dissonance. And because it is so important to protect the core belief, they will rationalize, ignore and even deny anything that doesn’t fit in with the core belief. - Frantz Fanon

A Parable

            A farmer had a dog who used to sit by the roadside waiting for vehicles to come around. As soon as one came, he would run down the road, barking and trying to overtake it.
            One day, a neighbour asked the farmer, "Do you think your dog is ever going to catch a car?"
            The farmer replied, "That is not what bothers me. What bothers me is what he would do if he ever caught one."

Morale of the story:
              Many people in life behave like that dog who is pursuing meaningless goals.

Humorous Quotes

The basic rule of human nature is that powerful people speak slowly and subservient people quickly – because if they don't speak fast nobody will listen to them. - Michael Caine

You know you’re getting old when everything hurt. And what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work. - Hy Gardner

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body. - Geoffrey Parfitt

Look about, my son, and see how little wisdom it takes to govern the world. - Axel Oxenstierna

Life is like a grammar lesson. You find the past perfect and the present tense. - Adolf Hitler

Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does. - Jane Austen

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush. - Doug Larson

Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble. - Martin Mull

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. - Mark Twain

Women are never disarmed by compliments; men always are. - Oscar Wilde

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses. - Dorothy Parker

The mouse is wise, but the cat is wiser. - Tycho Brahe

Life

There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke, though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns, and more than suspects that the joke is at nobody’s expense but his own. However, nothing dispirits, and nothing seems worthwhile disputing. He bolts down all events, all creeds, and beliefs, and persuasions, all hard things visible and invisible, never mind how knobby; as an ostrich of potent digestion gobbles down bullets and gun flints. And as for small difficulties and worrying, prospects of sudden disaster, peril of life and limb; all these, and death itself, seem to him only sly, good-natured hits, and jolly punches in the side bestowed by the unseen and unaccountable old joker. - Herman Melveille

Quote Worthy

The most heinous and the most cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives. - Mahatma Gandhi

Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose – a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye. - Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

Our perceptions are always coloured by what we hope, what we fear, what we love. We do the best we can. - Special Agent Seeley Booth

Some people are old at eighteen and some are young at ninety. Time is a concept that humans created. - Unknown

How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world. - William Shakespeare

Don't worry, and don't kick yourself forever. Just take the opportunities when they come. - Bob Diamond

An inch of time is an inch of gold, but you can't buy that inch of time with an inch of gold. - Chinese Proverb

Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning. - Winston Churchill

There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope. - Bern Williams

Don’t become a wandering generality. Be a meaningful specific. - Zig Ziglar

Even a hare will bite when it is cornered. - Chinese Proverb

I think, therefore I am. - René Descartes

Food For Thought

Good relationships make people happy, and happy people enjoy more and better relationships than unhappy people. Conflicts in relationships – having an annoying office mate or roommate, or having chronic conflict with your spouse – is one of the surest ways to reduce your happiness. You never adapt to interpersonal conflict; it damages every day, even days when you don't see the other person but ruminate about the conflict nonetheless. - Johathan Haidt

Human nature, at its best, had always been based on a deep heroic restlessness, on wanting something – something else, something more, whether it be true love or a glimpse just beyond the horizon. It was the promise of happiness, not the attainment of it, that had driven the entire engine, the folly and glory of who we are. - Will Ferguson

Lemon

9 reasons to drink lemon water in the morning

http://tv.greenmedinfo.com/9-reasons-drink-lemon-water-morning/

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Humorous Quotes

Humorous, quirky quotes – some of which are also profoundly true.

When things go well, you should be suspicious. When things go exceptionally well, start sniffing for the dog crap on the bottom of your shoe. - Rob Thurman

Love is a very difficult – occupation. You got to work at it, man. It ain't a thing every Tom, Dick and Harry has got a true aptitude for. - Tennessee Williams

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

People seldom do what they believe in, they do what is convenient, and then repent. - Bob Dylan

Whoever said “You can’t buy love”, probably never went into a pet shop! - Tom Wilson

It is ill-manners to silence a Fool, and Cruelty to let him go on. - George Savile

Only the guy who isn’t rowing has time to rock the boat. - Jean-Paul Sartre

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin

Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer. - Oscar Wilde

Life is hard, but it's harder if you're stupid. - Michael Crichton

Who needs friends? I have the Internet! - Unknown

So far, this is the oldest I've been. - George Carlin

Success - Quotes

You create everything that happens to you … If you want to be really successful, and I know you do, then you will have to give up blaming and complaining and take total responsibility for your life – that means all your results, both your successes and your failures. That is the prerequisite for creating a life of success. It is only by acknowledging that you have created everything up until now that you can take charge of creating the future you want. - Jack Canfield

Success is not necessarily determined by material possessions or accomplishments. You can enjoy success simply by reaching the point where you are perfectly content with your life in every respect and you feel no dissatisfaction or pressing need for anything else. In this sense, you can be a success sitting by yourself in a quiet place contemplating the world. - Brian Tracy