Humorous Quotes

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According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there. - Jay Leno

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator. - Lemony Snicket

Charming villains have always had a decided social advantage over well-meaning people who chew with their mouths open. - Judith Martin

First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. - Branch Rickey

As my old pappy always said, marriage is the only game of chance he knows of where both sides can lose. - Bret Maverick

A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return. -  Jarod Kintz

I am not ashamed to confess that I am ignorant of what I do not know. - Marcus Tullius Cicero

Divorce has become so easy nowadays that women have stopped crying at weddings. - Evan Esar

Basic research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing. - Werhner von Braun

There's one advantage to being 102. There's no peer pressure. - Dennis Wolfberg

Hard work never hurt anyone who hired someone else to do it. - Evan Esar

I've stopped drinking, but only when I'm asleep. - George Best

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