Humorous Quotes

Lawyers enjoy a little mystery, you know. Why, if everybody came forward and told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth straight out, we should all retire to the workhouse. - Dorothy L. Sayers

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli. - George H. W. Bush

Nothing in my life has ever made me want to commit suicide more than people’s reaction to my trying to commit suicide. - Emilie Autumn

My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying. - Unknown

Always remember this: ‘A kiss will never miss, and after many kisses a miss becomes a misses’. - John Lennon

A fool and his money are soon parted, but it is remarkable how many fools have money to part from. - Edgar Guest

Only in this world do we laugh: in hell, it won’t be possible; and in heaven, it won't be proper. - Jules Renard

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... The other eight are unimportant. - Henry Miller

A woman is not written in braille. You don’t have to touch her to know her. - Unknown

Marriage is like a book. The whole story takes place between the covers. - Mae West

He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed. - Robert Gronock

If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all. - Albert King

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Friends and Friendship - Quotes

Learn how to be respectful to your friends, don’t just start arguments with them and don’t tell them the reason, always remember your friends will be there quicker than your family. Learn to remember you got great friends, don’t forget that and they will always care for you no matter what. Always remember to smile and look up at what you got in life. - Marilyn Monroe

You can go through life and make new friends every year – every month practically – but there was never any substitute for those friendships of childhood that survive into adult years. Those are the ones in which we are bound to one another with hoops of steel. - Alexander McCall Smith

It’s important to make friendships that are deeper than gossiping and drinking, and smoking, and going out. Make friends who you can go get breakfast with, make friends you can cry with, make friends who support your life goals and believe in you. - Unknown

A sincere friend conceals all your deformities, deceives and convince others that you are extremely perfect, the insincere will tell the truth of destruction, leave you open for others to glare and laugh. - Michael Bassey Johnson

Friendship – my definition – is built on two things. Respect and trust. Both elements have to be there. And it has to be mutual. You can have respect for someone, but if you don’t have trust, the friendship will crumble. - Stieg Larsson

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Quote Worthy

It’s so important to realize that every time you get upset, it drains your emotional energy. Losing your cool makes you tired. Getting angry a lot messes with your health. - Joyce Meyer

A person is a novel: you don't know how it will end until the very last page. Otherwise it wouldn't be worth reading to the very end. - Yevgeny Zamyatin

The fact that you have been knocked down is interesting, but the length of time you remained down is important. - Austin O’Malley

If you don’t invest very much, then defeat doesn’t hurt very much and winning is not very exciting. - Dick Vermeil

The attempt is all the wedge that splits its knotty way betwixt the impossible and possible. - Alice Cary

People have a tendency to rationalize what they can, and forget what they can't. - Richie Tankersley Cusick

When my absence doesn’t alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in your life. - Unknown

We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down. - Kurt Vonnegut

Only once you have carried your own water, will you learn the value of every drop. - Unknown

Never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. - Winston Churchill

Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectation. - Unknown

An aim in life is the only fortune worth finding. - Robert Louis Stevenson

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Puns

What is a Pun?
A Pun is a joke or type of wordplay in which similar senses or sounds of two words or phrases, or different senses of the same word, are deliberately confused.

Pun

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial. - Jimmy Fallon

A pun is the lowest form of humour, unless you thought of it yourself. - Doug Larson

Divorce is the price people pay for playing with matches. - Evan Esar

Every dog has his day, unless he loses his tail, then he has a weak-end. - June Carter Cash

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide. - Erma Bombeck

I doubt Vodka is the answer, but it’s worth a shot. - Unknown

If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down – or cheeks up. - Charlaine Harris

She used to be a schoolteacher, but she has no class now. - Fred Allen

As we understand it, the surest way to make a living by the pen is to raise pigs. - Robert Elliott Gonzales

Why should you never iron a four leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck. - Unknown

A bicycle can't stand alone. It's two tired. - Unknown

A boiled egg is hard to beat. - Unknown

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. - Unknown

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. - Unknown

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation. - Unknown

Food for Thought

Humility does not mean that conceit doesn't arise in the mind; it means that conceit is met with the wisdom of not taking the inflation personally. Usually when we are feeling inflated and conceited, we believe the ego's insistence that we are better or worse than others. Humility is a practice that allows us to override that insistence and arrive at a wise relationship to the ego. It takes constant vigilance, because the mind is constantly creating (and attempting to give permanence to) a self out of that aspect of our experience that we call ego, constantly creating conceit. - Noah Levine

Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope as old as your despair. In the central place of every heart there is a recording chamber. So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer and courage, so long are you young. When your heart is covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then, and then only, are you grown old. And then, indeed as the ballad says, you just fade away. - Douglas MacArthur

The way we respond to criticism pretty much depends on the way we respond to praise. If praise humbles us, then criticism will build us up. But if praise inflates us, then criticism will crush us; and both responses lead to our defeat. - Warren Wiersbe

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Humorous Quotes

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. - Dave Barry

A new study found that most people can't go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe. - Jimmy Fallon

Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread. - Josh Billings

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. Mencken

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. - Laurell K. Hamilton

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment. - Jarod Kintz

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library. - Frank Zappa

Dating a tennis player is risky - love means nothing to us. - Anna Kournikova

It’s a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating. - Regina Griffin

I’m no model lady. A model’s just an imitation of the real thing. - Mae West

A good loser is all right, but it isn't so much fun to beat him. - Evan Esar

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand. - Jay Leno

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Quote Worthy

I know quite certainly that I myself have no special gift. Curiosity, obsession and dogged endurance combined with self-critique have brought me my ideas. - Albert Einstein

As you get older you will understand more and more that it’s not about what you look like or what you own, it’s all about the person you’ve become. - Unknown

People think of the inventor as a screwball, but no one ever asks the inventor what he thinks of other people. - Charles F. Kettering

If you look in the eyes of the young, you see flame. If you look in the eyes of the old, you see light. - Victor Hugo

He that would live in peace and at ease, must not speak all he knows, nor judge all he sees. - Benjamin Franklin

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. - A. A. Milne

The life of the nation is secure only while the nation is honest, truthful, and virtuous. - Frederick Douglass

How much I missed, simply because I was afraid of missing it. - Paulo Coelho

Sometimes the things that hurt you the most, teach you the greatest lessons. - Unknown

Never Let anyone tell you that you can’t; show them that you can. - Gloria Mallette

It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. - Martin Rees

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Definitions You Won’t See In The Dictionary

Mosquito: an insect that makes you like flies better. - Unknown

Nillionaire: a person with little or no money. - Unknown

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. - Unknown

Raisin: a grape with a sunburn. - Unknown

Secret: something you tell to one person at a time. - Unknown

Tomorrow: one of the greatest labor saving devices of today. - Unknown

Toothache: the pain that drives you to extraction. - Unknown

Transvestite: a guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. - Unknown

Wrinkles: something other people have, similar to my character lines. - Unknown

Yawn: an honest opinion openly expressed without a word. - Unknown

Academe: an ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. - Ambrose Bierce

Academy: a modern school where football is taught. - Ambrose Bierce

Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. - Ambrose Bierce

Ambition: an overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. - Ambrose Bierce

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Food for Thought

We seldom realize, for example that our most private thoughts and emotions are not actually our own. For we think in terms of languages and images which we did not invent, but which were given to us by our society. - Alan W. Watts

So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. - Stephen Chbosky

We can help a person to be himself by our own willingness to steep ourselves temporarily in his world, in his private feelings and experiences. By our affirmation of the person as he is, we give him support and strength to take the next step in his own growth. - Clark Moustakas

We have come out of the time when obedience, the acceptance of discipline, intelligent courage, and resolution were most important, into that more difficult time when it is a man’s duty to understand his world rather than to simply fight for it. - Ernest Hemingway

Vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, ‘This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more important, all that I am not. - Ashton Kutcher

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Humorous Quotes

Adam was but human – this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple’s sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent. - Mark Twain

I like to call in sick to work at places where I've never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don't work there, I tell them I'd like to. But not today, as I'm sick. - Jarod Kintz

My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there. - Ron Richards

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

Death and taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them! - Margaret Mitchell

Many a wedding takes place when a man can't afford to go steady with a girl any longer. - Evan Esar

Never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and truth. - Henrik Ibsen

It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up. - Joan Rivers

If you have everything under control, you’re not moving fast enough. - Mario Andretti

Lawyers are men whom we hire to protect us from lawyers. - Elbert Hubbard

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. - W.C. Fields

Artificial plants grow best in artificial light. - Regina Griffin

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Change - Quotes

All times are changing times, but ours is one of massive, rapid moral and mental transformation. Archetypes turn into millstones, large simplicities get complicated, chaos becomes elegant, and what everybody knows is true turns out to be what some people used to think. - Ursula K. Le Guin

Change does not change tradition, it strengthens it. Change is a challenge and an opportunity, not a threat. - Prince Philip

Change does not fail to occur because of insincerity. The heart patient is not insincere about his wish to keep living, even as he reaches for another cigarette. Change fails to occur because we mean both things. It fails to occur because we are a living contradiction. - Robert Kegan & Lisa Laskow Lahey

Change doth unknit the tranquil strength of men. - Matthew Arnold

Change has to come for life to struggle forward. - Helen Hollick

Change is certain. Peace is followed by disturbances; departure of evil men by their return. Such recurrences should not constitute occasions for sadness but realities for awareness, so that one may be happy in the interim. - I Ching

Change is inevitable. Change is constant. - Benjamin Disraeli

Change is mandatory for extraordinary results. - Unknown

Change is never easy … there’s always a cost. - Unknown

Change is not merely necessary to life, it is life. - Alvin Toffler

Change is not something that we should fear. Rather, it is something that we should welcome. For without change, nothing in this world would ever grow or blossom, and no one in this world would ever move forward to become the person they’re meant to be. - Unknown

Change is the end result of all true learning. - Leo Buscaglia

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Quote Worthy

No great thing is created suddenly, any more than a bunch of grapes or a fig. If you tell me that you desire a fig, I answer you that there must be time. Let it first blossom, then bear fruit, then ripen. - Epictetus

It is often better to have a great deal of harm happen to one than a little; a great deal may rouse you to remove, what a little will only accustom you to endure. - Fluke Greville

To make one person the centre of your world is bound to end in disaster. There are too many factors outside your control. - Alexandra Adornetto

A lot of people get so hung up on what they can’t have that they don’t think for a second about whether they really want it. - Lionel Shriver

People who do not understand you will never settle for any proof, and people who appreciate you do not need any proof. - Seth

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. - Anais Nin

One of the first businesses of a sensible man is to know when he is beaten, and to leave off fighting at once. - Samuel Butler

I will not follow where the path may lead; instead I will go where there is no path and leave a trail. - Muriel Strode

No man is capable of self-improvement if he sees no other model but himself. - Conrado I. Generoso

The most exquisite folly is made of wisdom spun too fine. - Benjamin Franklin

He who would greatly deserve must greatly dare. - Washington Irving

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. - J.K. Rowling

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On Laughter

[I am] persuaded that every time a man smiles, but much more so when he laughs ... it adds something to this fragment of life. - Laurence Sterne

A hearty laugh lengthens your life. - Swedish Proverb

A laugh a day keeps the psychiatrist away. - Evan Esar

A laugh to be joyous must flow form a joyous heart, for without kindness there can be no true joy. - Thomas Carlyle

A laugh's the wisest, easiest answer to all that’s queer. - Herman Melville

A well-developed sense of humour is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. - William Arthur Ward

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. - Mark Twain

Always find a reason to laugh. It may not add years to your life but will surely add life to your years. - Unknown

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can; all of them make me laugh. - W. H. Auden

Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not. - Vaclav Havel

But to die of laughter – this, too, seems to me a great euthanasia. - Max Beerbohm

Even in despair, man must laugh. - Lin Yu Tang

He is a wise man who always knows what to laugh at, and a bold man that always dare laugh at what is laughable. - Edward Parsons Day

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Food for Thought

Great occasions do not make heroes or cowards; they simply unveil them to the eyes of men. Silently and perceptibly, as we wake or sleep, we grow and wax strong, we grow and wax weak; and at last some crisis shows us what we have become. - Canon Westcott

Rise early, that by habit it may become familiar, agreeable, healthy, and profitable. It may, for a while, be irksome to do this, but that will wear off; and the practice will produce a rich harvest forever thereafter; whether in public or private walks of life. - George Washington

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again – and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. - Mark Twain

Were the life of man prolonged, he would become such a proficient in villainy, that it would become necessary again to drown or to burn the world. Earth would become an hell; for future rewards when put off to a great distance, would cease to encourage, and future punishments to alarm. - Charles Caleb Colton

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Humorous Quotes

Men do communicate, often very directly, but women sometimes cannot accept how simple what we have to say is. We seldom play games – we aren't that sophisticated. - Chris Abani

No one should ever expect happiness from marriage. A few quiet moments, perhaps, if one is lucky...and an occasional day that doesn't incite you to murder. - Lili

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me. - Woody Allen

In its purest form, dating is auditioning for mating (and auditioning means we may or may not get the part). - Joy Browne

It’s hard to understand why people who have enough time to play chess want to spend it playing chess. - Evan Esar

Marriage is just fancy word to adopt an over grown male child who is no more handled by his parents. - Unknown

A doctor is a man who writes prescriptions, till the patient either dies or is cured by nature. - John Taylor

No one ... appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. - Christopher Morley

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? - Blanche Knott

If you could read my mind you’d back away slowly then run for your life. - Unknown

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. - Mark Twain

Don't lend money to friends – it causes amnesia. - Unknown

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Quote Worthy

He who has got more than that is required to fulfill his basic need spends his resources, more often than not, on the people and the products that he does not actually need. - Anuj Somany

A man can be himself only so long as he is alone, and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom, for it is only when he is alone that he is really free. - Arthur Schopenhauer

If you are ever called upon to chasten a person, never chasten beyond the balm you have within you to bind up. - Brigham Young

When a creature has developed into one thing, he will choose death rather than change into his opposite. - Frank Herbert

There should be no discrimination against languages people speak, skin colour, or religion. - Malala Yousafzai

People only realize what they had after they lose it, so hold onto what you have and never let it go. - Unknown

The life of the nation is secure only while the nation is honest, truthful, and virtuous. - Frederick Douglass

Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. - Harriet Beecher Stowe

It is at all times more easy to make enemies than friends. - George Washington

One must learn to know oneself before knowing anything else. - Soren Kierkegaard

He who would greatly deserve must greatly dare. - Washington Irving

An aim in life is the only fortune worth finding. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Heart Attack

Worth keeping this in mind.

One month before a heart attack, your body will warn you. Here are the 6 signs

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Food for Thought

People know your name, not your story. They’ve heard what you’ve done, but not what you’ve been through. So take their opinions of you with a grain of salt. In the end, it’s not what others think, it’s what you think about yourself that counts. Sometimes you have to do exactly what’s best for you and your life, not what’s best for everyone else. - Les Brown

It has been observed that a dwarf standing on the shoulders of a giant will see farther than the giant himself; and the moderns, standing as they do on the vantage ground of former discoveries and uniting all the fruits of the experience of their forefathers, with their own actual observation, may be admitted to enjoy a more enlarged and comprehensive view of things than the ancients themselves. - Charles Caleb Colton

People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little. It is plain that an ignorant person thinks everything he does know important, and he tells it to everybody. But a well-educated man is not so ready to display his learning; he would have too much to say, and he sees that there is much more to be said, so he holds his peace. - Jean-Jacques Rousseau

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Humorous Quotes

A Democrat is just like a baby. If it's hollering and making a lot of noise, there is nothing serious the matter with it. When it's quiet and doesn't pay much attention to anything, that's when it's really dangerous. - Will Rogers

One doesn’t generally look into mirrors when one is especially angry; one has better things to do, like pace the floor or throw things. - Robin McKinley

Dancing is the art of getting your feet out of the way faster than your partner can step on them. - Evan Esar

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Winston S. Churchill

If it wasn't for procrastination ... I'd have nothing to look forward to tomorrow. - Tom Wilson

No man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions. - Henry Ward Beecher

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. - Joey Adams

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx

Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair. - Dorothy Parker

It is much easier to burn men than to burn their opinions. - Charles Dickens

A girl with a good figure can often shape her own destiny. - Evan Esar

I get lost inside my mind. - Unknown

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Death

It is impossible that anything so natural, so necessary, and so universal as death should ever have been designed by Providence as an evil to mankind. - Jonathan Swift

I’ve told my children that when I die, to release balloons in the sky to celebrate that I graduated. For me, death is a graduation. - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

If you would behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life. For life and death are one, even as the river and sea are one. - Kahlil Gibran

Brief and powerless is man's life; on him and all his race the slow, sure doom falls pitiless and dark. - Bertrand Russell

In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself. - Deepak Chopra

Always be thou prepared, and so live that death may never find thee unprepared. - Thomas A. Kempis

A couch of thorns, or an embroidered bed, are matters of indifference to the dead. - Theognis of Megara

Death is the end of those who have done nothing to cause their names to live after them. - Xenophon

The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity. - Seneca

As men, we are all equal in the presence of death. - Publilius Syrus

Death is the most beautiful adventure in life. - Charles Frohman

Death doesn't bargain. - August Strindberg

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Quote Worthy

He who is overly attached to his family members experiences fear and sorrow, for the root of all grief is attachment. Thus one should discard attachment to be happy. - Chanakya

A man must cling to the belief that the incomprehensible is comprehensible; otherwise he would not try to fathom it. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I'm trying to free your mind ... but I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it. - Morpheus

It’s better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life. - Unknown

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious. - Carl Jung

Time passes, and little by little everything that we have spoken in falsehood becomes true. - Marcel Proust

People get caught up in formulaic answers. When one doesn’t work, they just go on to the next. - James Champy

Never give up on something you really want. It is difficult to wait but more difficult to regret. - Unknown

The less we know, the longer the explanation. - Brian Herbert & Kevin J. Anderson

I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains. - Anne Frank

All of us, the great and the little have need of each other. - Aesop

He who opens a school door closes a prison. - Victor Hugo

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