Humorous Quotes

I am happiest when I am idle. I could live for months without performing any kind of labour, and at the expiration of that time I should feel fresh and vigorous enough to go right on in the same way for numerous more months. - Artemus Ward

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. - Jerry Seinfeld

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. - Phyllis Diller

Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness. - Unknown

I was born at home on newspapers ... I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger. - Phyllis Diller

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be. - George Carlin

Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world. - Jarod Kintz

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes. - Abraham Lincoln

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. - Woodrow Wyatt

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they? - Jess C. Scott

Age and glasses of wine should never be counted. - Unknown

For more Humorous quotes click Here