Humorous Quotes

A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage. - Jimmy Fallon

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. - Ron White

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit. - Eric Porterfield

There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called. - Jarod Kintz

Laughter was the most terrible weapon: you can kill anything with laughter. - Yevgeny Zamyatin

Always wear cute pyjamas to bed, you’ll never know who you will meet in your dreams. - Joel Madden

I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me. - David Levithan

The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less. - Howard Taylor

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain. - Mae West

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise. - Noel Coward

When in doubt, punt! - John Heisman

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