Humorous Quotes

Allow me to offer my congratulations on the truly admirable skill you have shown in keeping clear of the mark. Not to have hit once in so many trials, argues the most splendid talents for missing. - Thomas De Quincey

What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser – that’s why he’s number two. - Jarod Kintz

If animals could speak the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow, but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much. - Mark Twain

I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight. - Jarod Kintz

A negative judgment gives you more satisfaction than praise, provided it smacks of jealousy. - Jean Baudrillard

So tell me, where shall I go? To the left, where nothing’s right? Or to the right, where nothings left? - Unknown

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. - Mel Brooks

It’s 4:58 on Friday afternoon. Do you know where your margarita is? - Amy Neftzger

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. - Mindy Kaling

The computer saves man a lot of guesswork, but so does the bikini. - Evan Esar

When a thief kisses you, count your teeth. - Yiddish Proverb

It is better to be looked over than overlooked. - Mae West

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