Humorous Quotes

Somebody knocked, and I’m glad it wasn’t her. I mean I want her to come, but I thought it was him, so I ignored the knock and that’s why I’m glad it wasn’t her. I wouldn’t want to have ignored the very person I wanted to show up. - Jarod Kintz

You can say this for ready-mixes – the next generation isn’t going to have any trouble making pies exactly like mother used to make. - Earl Wilson

Choose a degree in something you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life, because that field probably isn’t hiring. - Unknown

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. - Jane Austen

Listen to your elders’ advice. Not because they are always right but because they have more experience of being wrong. - Unknown

If you don’t read the newspapers you are uninformed, if you do read the newspapers, you are misinformed. - Mark Twain

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright

When some men dance they’re all feet, and when they stop they’re all hands. - Evan Easr

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. - Unknown

There's a new wine I want to try. I heard about it through the grapevine. - Jarod Kintz

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons

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