Humorous Quotes

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their colour. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense, and choosing your friends by their colour is unthinkable. - Unknown

They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds. - Wilt Chamberlain

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. - Dame Edna Everage

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his check book open. - Groucho Marx

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. - Woody Allen

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday. - Unknown

Every boy who has a dog should also have a mother, so the dog can be fed regularly. - Evan Esar

Lying is the most fun a woman can have without taking her clothes off. - Natalie Portman

It's awful knowing that one seventh of our life will be wasted on Mondays. - Unknown

You should learn from your parents’ mistakes – try using some birth control. - Unknown

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. - Anthony G. Oettinger

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. - Woody Allen

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Happiness

We are most happy when least aware of happiness. - Ivan Panin

We find that the more a cultivated reason devotes itself to the aim of enjoying life and happiness, the further does man get away from true contentment. - Immanuel Kant

We know that happiness is short-lived, that we fail to cherish it when it is within our grasp and value it only when it has vanished forever. - Jose Saramago

We never give up wanting things for ourselves, but there comes a day when what we want for ourselves is someone else's happiness. - Robert Brault

What is the worth of anything, but for the happiness 'twill bring? - Richard Owen Cambridge

What we need for our happiness is often close at hand, if we knew but how to seek for it. - Nathaniel Hawthorne

When happiness was a matter of pleasure, and pleasure a matter of taste, one could be happy simply by rolling in filth. - Darrin M. McMahon

Who can tell where happiness may come, or where, though an expected guest, it may never show its face? - Nathaniel Hawthorne

Years of happiness can be lost in the foolish gratification of a momentary desire for pleasure. - Ezra Taft Benson

You have never seen ugliness in a happy face. - William John Locke

You have to fight to carve little pieces of happiness out of your life, or the everyday emergencies will eat up everything. - Laurel K. Hamilton

You need to learn to be happy by nature, because you'll seldom have the chance to be happy by circumstance. - Lavetta Sue Wegman

More on Happiness Here
The book The Pursuit of Happiness

Quote Worthy

Looking forward to things is half the pleasure of them. You may not get the things themselves; but nothing can prevent you from having the fun of looking forward to them. - L. M. Montgomery

See simplicity in the complicate, seek greatness in small things. In the Universe, the difficult things are done as if they were easy. - Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it. - Jordan Belfort

Believe to Succeed and Doubt to Fail are like the positive and negative of a magnet. - Jay Xiong

In the new economy those who live by the sword will be shot by those who don’t. - Gary Hamel

Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word. - George R.R. Martin

Every nerve that can thrill with pleasure, can also agonize with pain. - Horace Mann

A year from now, everything you’re stressing about won’t even matter. - Unknown

When Providence favours, you can make a safe voyage on a twig. - Publilius Syrus

They who plough the sea do not carry the winds in their hands. - Publilius Syrus

If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way. - Napoleon Hill

Never say more than is necessary. - Richard Brinsley Sheridan

More Quotes Here - And the book Quote Worthy

Death

It is only when caught in the swift, sudden turn of death, that mortals realise the silent, subtle, ever-present perils of life. - Herman Melville

Life is the jailer, Death the angel sent to draw the unwilling bolts and set us free. - James Russell Lowell

Man dies. Come from darkness, into darkness he returns, and is reabsorbed, without a trace left, into the illimitable void of time. - Leonid Andreyev

Must not all things at the last be swallowed up in death? - Plato

No matter how much you've been warned, Death always comes without knocking. Why now? is the cry. Why so soon? It's the cry of a child being called home at dusk. - Margaret Atwood

No matter who you are, you will be put abed at last with a shovel. - Austin O’Malley

Nothing is born which Death makes not subject of his state. - Bhartrhari

O, the one happiness, when, out of breath, our feet slip, and we stumble upon death! - Arthur Symons

One day the ordinariness will be terminally punctuated by the extraordinary full stop of death. - Glen Duncan

Our dead are never dead to us until we have forgotten them. - George Eliot

Pale Death with impartial tread beats at the poor man's cottage door and at the palaces of kings. - Horace

People living deeply have no fear of death. - Anais Nin

Spending your life concentrating on death is like watching a whole movie and thinking only about the credits that are going to roll at the end. It’s a mistake of emphasis. -Nicholson Baker

Taunting Death ... means pitting oneself against a wily enemy who cannot lose. - J.K Rowling

The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? - Edgar Allan Poe

The cure for death is not being born. - K. J. Parker

The day of my birth, my death began its walk. It is walking toward me, without hurrying. - Jean Cocteau

The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity. - Seneca

The dead's dead ... get 'em in the ground and look to the live ones. - Ken Kesey

The fear of death is more to be dreaded than death itself. - Publilius Syrus

The gate of death is never at rest. - Edward Counsel

The living is a passing traveler; the dead, a man come home. - Li Bai

The longest-lived and the shortest-lived man, when they come to die, lose one and the same thing. - Marcus Aurelius

The only religious way to think of death is as part and parcel of life; to regard it, with the understanding and the emotions, as the the inviolable condition of life. - Thomas Mann

Humorous Quotes

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Robert De Niro

I think sleeping was my problem in school. If school had started at four in the afternoon, I’d be a college graduate today. - George Foreman

The worst feeling in the world is the homesickness that comes over a man occasionally when he is at home. - Edgar Watson Howe

The real wonder is that anyone stays together, as impossible to live with and as broken as we all are. - Kyran Pittman

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears. - Sigmund Freud

History, of course, is never real. People either glorify it or horrify it. Or at the very least colour it. - Paula Wall

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. - Woody Allen

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis

Disease increases in proportion to the increase in the number of doctors in a place. - Mahatma Gandhi

Trip over love, you can get up. Fall in love and you fall forever. - Unknown

Don’t mind your make-up, you’d better make your mind up. - Frank Zappa

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - Groucho Marx

Click Here for more humorous quotes, or Here for the book ‘Of Wit ‘n’ Humour’

Love

Falling in love you remain a child; rising in love you mature. By and by love becomes not a relationship, it becomes a state of your being. Not that you are in love – now you are love. - Osho

I strongly believe that love is the answer and that it can mend even the deepest unseen wounds. Love can heal, love can console, love can strengthen, and yes, love can make change. - Somaly Mam

If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things that are missing. If you don’t have love in your life, no matter what else there is, it’s not enough. - Ann Landers

In a time when nothing is more certain than change, the commitment of two people to one another has become difficult and rare. Yet, by its scarcity, the beauty and value of this exchange have only been enhanced. - Robert Sexton

Love hurts when you break up with some one. Hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person, you love has no idea how you feel. - Unknown

Love is a partnership of two unique people who bring out the very best in each other, and who know that even though they are wonderful as individuals, they are even better together. - Barbara Cage

Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century. - Mark Twain

Love. Fall in love and stay in love. Write only what you love, and love what you write. The key word is love. You have to get up in the morning and write something you love, something to live for. - Ray Bradbury

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love. - Stephen Kendrick

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and a richness to life that nothing else can bring. - Oscar Wilde

More on Love Here, and the book The Light of Love

Quote Worthy

Successful people have cultivated the habit of never denying to themselves their true feelings and attitudes. They have no need for pretences. - David Harold Fink

Knowledge is power. Information is liberating. Education is the premise of progress, in every society, in every family. - Kofi Annan

Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect. - Luna Lovegood

Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they’ve got a second. - William James

Give me the young man who has brains enough to make a fool of himself. - Robert Louis Stevenson

It takes visions and courage to create. It takes faith and courage to prove. - Owen D. Young

Every time you subtract negative from your life, you make room for more positive. - Unknown

You don’t drown by falling into the water; you drown by staying there. - Edwin Louis

Do good to thy friend to keep him, to thy enemy to gain him. - Benjamin Franklin

Sometimes, you have to risk it all for a vision no one can see but you. - Unknown

If you light a lamp for someone else, it will also brighten your path. - Buddha

Care not for being unknown, but seek to be worthy of note. - Confucius

More Quotes Here - And the book Quote Worthy

Humorous Quotes

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks but a divorce is something you always have. - Woody Allen

Many brief follies – that is what you call love. And your marriage puts an end to many brief follies, with a single long stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Beauty, of course, is an asset. But the girls who have greenbacks don’t have to worry over not having pink faces. - Robert Elliott Gonzales

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. - Christopher Hampton

I told her I’d wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who’d give me a ride home. - Jarod Kintz

Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice. - Bill Cosby

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you’d be twice as funny as you are now. - Cassandra Clare

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. - Rodney Dangerfield

Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute. - David Letterman

The secret of eternal youth is arrested development. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

You never run out of things that can go wrong. - Edward A. Murphy (Murphy’s Law)

Pride must be a summer thing, because it comes before the fall. - Jarod Kintz

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Friends and Friendship

Friendship is a vase, which, when it is flawed by heat, or violence, or accident, may as well be broken at once; it can never be trusted after. - Walter Savage Landor

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. - Anais Nin

Friendship has been called the sweetener of life. It is a compound made up of truth and kindness, prudence and piety. - John Thorton

Friendship is a serious affection; the most sublime of all affections, because it is founded on principle, and cemented by time. - Mary Wollstonecraft

Friendship is insipid to those who have experienced love. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Friendship is the perfection of love, and superior to love; it is love purified, exalted, proved by experience and a consent of minds. - Samuel Richardson

Friendship multiplies the good of life and divides the evil. - Baltasar Gracian

It is never easier to forget friends than when we imagine they have forgotten us – friendship, like love, requires reciprocal assurance of continuity. - Norman MacDonald

There are no rules for friendship. It must be left to itself: we cannot force it any more than love. - William Hazlitt

You need to handle your friends with more diplomacy than you do your enemies. - Lewis F. Korns

Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. - Richard Bach

Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success – yours or his. - Franklin P. Jones

More quotes on Friends and Friendship Here And the book, Friends Indeed

Quote Worthy

Goodness is about character – integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people. - Dennis Prager

Most of us, swimming against the tides of trouble the world knows nothing about, need only a bit of praise or encouragement – and we will make the goal. - Jerome P. Fleishman

Congratulate yourselves if you have done something strange and extravagant and broken the monotony of a decorous age. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Resilience is all about being able to overcome the unexpected. Sustainability is about survival. The goal of resilience is to thrive. - Jamais Cascio

The vulgar herd catches at the gross apparent fact, but the man of insight knows what lies on the surfaces does lie. - Israel Zangwill

Life and Time are the world’s best teachers. Life teaches us the use of Time and Time teaches us the value of Life. - Unknown

It’s not hard to sacrifice something for someone, but it’s hard to find someone who deserves your sacrifice. - Unknown

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. - Elmer Davis

Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking. - William Butler Yeats

Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart. - Unknown

Every step of our life we need to accept ourselves all over again. - Jeff Moore

Sometimes, it takes a good fall to really know where you stand. - Unknown

More Quotes Here - And the book Quote Worthy

Humour

English Church Bulletins as they actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Adapted from a variety of sources including Funny Church Bulletin Board Notices):

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Join us tonight for prayers, coffee and fresh beagles.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor.”

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.”

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Wrinkled with burdens? Come to church for a faith lift!

Humorous Quotes

The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets successfully through many a bad night. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes. - Marilyn Sokol

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair. - Jarod Kintz

It’s always useful to know where a friend-and-relation is, whether you want him or whether you don’t. - Winnie the Pooh

The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you’re swimming and when you’re angry. - Unknown

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him. - Cher

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others. - Ambrose Bierce

Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don’t you? - Ben Hogan

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night - Dave Barry

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages. - Terry Pratchett

Video games are a waste of time for men with nothing else to do. - Ray Bradbury

Click Here for more humorous quotes, or Here for the book ‘Of Wit ‘n’ Humour’

Success

Success depends on one's general culture, on one's set of values, one's clarity of mind and vivacity. - Henri Cartier-Bresson

A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success. - Elbert Hubbard

Action is the foundational key to all success. - Pablo Picasso

Along with success comes a reputation for wisdom. - Euripedes

Being a father, being a friend, those are the things that make me feel successful. - William Hurt

Define success on your own terms, achieve it by your own rules, and build a life you’re proud to live. - Anne Sweeney

Eighty percent of success is showing up. - Woody Allen

Enthusiasm is the engine of success. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Flaming enthusiasm, backed up by horse sense and persistence, is the quality that most frequently makes for success. - Dale Carnegie

Honesty and loyalty are key. If two people can be honest with each other about everything, that’s probably the biggest key to success. - Taylor Lautner

I attribute my success to this – I never gave or took any excuse. - Florence Nightingale

I can’t imagine a person becoming a success who doesn’t give this game of life everything he’s got. - Walter Cronkite

The real measure of success is the number of experiments that can be crowded into 24 hours. - Thomas Alva Edison

The person who makes a success of living is the one who sees his goal steadily and aims for it unswervingly. - Cecil B. De Mille

The squalid cash interpretation put on the word success – is our national disease. - William James

More on Success Here, and the book The Road to Success

Quote Worthy

When you've been used to doing things, and they've been taken away from you, it's as if your hands had been cut off, and you felt the fingers as are of no use to you. - George Eliot

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough. - Oprah Winfrey

Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. - Carl Jung

Insecure people only eclipse your sun because they're jealous of your daylight and tired of their dark, starless nights. - Shannon L. Alder

Without communication there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love, without trust, there is no reason to continue. - Unknown

The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives. - Albert Einstein

Properly speaking, a man has as many social selves as there are individuals who recognise him. - William James

Sometimes, it’s perfectly okay, and absolutely necessary, to shut down, kick back, and do nothing. - Unknown

Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known. - Chuck Palahniuk

Almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better. - Martin Luther King

The wings of transformation are born from patience and struggle. - Janet S. Dickens

It takes two flints to make a fire. - Louisa May Alcott

More Quotes Here - And the book Quote Worthy

Proverbs, axioms, maxims ...

Don't call the alligator, big mouth until you have crossed the river. - Belizean Proverb

Beware a rickety wall, a savage dog and a quarrelsome person. - Iranian Proverb

Because we focused on the snake, we missed the scorpion. - Egyptian Proverb

Have more than you show. Speak less than you know. - William Shakespeare

If you buy what you don't need, you steal from yourself. - Swedish Proverb

Even the best song becomes tiresome if heard too often. - Korean Proverb

Even the largest army is nothing without a good general. - Afghan Proverb

Better to sit all night than to go to bed with a dragon. - Chinese Proverb

Everything comes to pass, nothing comes to stay. - Matthew Flickstein

Be the first in the field and the last to the couch. - Chinese Proverb

Don't hang your hat higher than you can reach. - Belizean Proverb

Sun is good for cucumbers, rain for rice. - Vietnamese Proverb

Don't sail out farther than you can row back. - Danish Proverb

It's safer to have a good enemy than a bad friend. - Ken Alstad

If you call one wolf, you invite the pack. - Bulgarian Proverb

If you want something done right, do it yourself. - Unknown

It is better to be born a beggar than a fool. - Spanish Proverb

Everyone must row with the oars he has. - English proverb

It takes two men to make one brother. - Israel Zangwill

If you can’t bite, better not show your teeth. - Yiddish

It's an ill bird that fouls his own nest. - Latin Proverb

It's an ill wind that blows no good. - John Heywood

Don't pretend to be something you aren't. - Aesop

Every cloud has a silver lining. - D. R. Locke

It’s always worse than it seems. - Unknown

Humorous Quotes

Fate does not invite ugly boring people to save the world; and if you do try to save the world (without being beautiful, strong, clever, or wise), you will soon die pointlessly and how much adventure is there in that? - James Alan Gardner

By taking a second wife he pays the highest compliment to the first, by showing that she made him so happy as a married man, that he wishes to be so a second time. - Samuel Johnson

Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house. - Unknown

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you. - Paul Newman

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. - Woody Allen

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It’s really funny. - Brandon Sanderson

Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough. - Mark Twain

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. - Jennifer Unlimited

Procrastination is like a credit card: it's a lot of fun until you get the bill. - Christopher Parker

Joy and sorrow are like milk and cookies. That's how well they go together. - Neil Gaiman

The snag about marriage is, it isn't worth the divorce. - Suzanne Finnamore

Women diet to retain their girlish figures or their boyish husbands. - Evan Esar

Click Here for more humorous quotes, or Here for the book ‘Of Wit ‘n’ Humour’

Life

Find balance in your life. Work hard but don’t let work take over your life, you will lose yourself. Love, but love for the right reasons. Life is too short for anything mediocre. Know who you are and know that you are worthy of reaching your dreams and that I is never too late to start creating that life you have always dreamed of. Do not compare yourself to others, that’s just deadly. No two souls are the same. You are your own person, you are beautiful and you are unique. But your trust in the universe. Some things are just meant to happen, and some are not. Let go of whatever is stealing your happiness, it’s hard but it is worth it. Embrace change. Embrace life. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust and let go. - Charlotte Freeman

A simple life is not seeing how little we can get by with – that’s poverty – but how efficiently we can put first things first … When you’re clear about your purpose and your priorities, you can painlessly discard whatever does not support these, whether it’s clutter in your cabinets or commitments on your calendar. - Victoria Moran

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself. - Walter Anderson

In the midst of this chopping sea of civilized life, such are the clouds and storms and quicksands and thousand-and-one items to be allowed for, that a man has to live, if he would not founder and go to the bottom and not make his port at all, by dead reckoning, and he must be a great calculator indeed who succeeds. Simplify, simplify. - Henry David Thoreau

Life just doesn’t care about our aspirations, or sadness. It’s often random, and it’s often stupid and it’s often completely unexpected, and the closures and the epiphanies and revelations we end up receiving from life, begrudgingly, rarely turn out to be the ones we thought. - Khaled Hosseini

More on Life Here, and the book The Mystery of Life - a collection of quotes on and pertaining to life.

Quote Worthy

When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace. - Dalai Lama

No one in this world is pure and perfect. If you avoid people for their mistakes, you will be alone in this world. So judge less and love more. - Unknown

Sometimes, simply by sitting, the soul collects wisdom. - Zen Proverb

It’s easy to win forgiveness for being wrong; being right is what gets you into real trouble. - Bjarne Stroustrup

To err is human; but contrition felt for the crime distinguishes the virtuous from the wicked. - Vittoria Alfieri

The more we simplify our material needs the more we are free to think of other things. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Instead of wiping your tears, wipe away the people who create them. - Unknown

If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. - Abraham Lincoln

What doesn't slumber under the shells of us all? One just needs courage to uncover it and be oneself. - Cesare Pavese

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you are. - Cherie Carter-Scott

You’ll never regret writing any letter out of love. However, it’s a good idea to reread anything you’ve written in anger. - Mary Matalin

Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood. - George Orwell

More Quotes Here - And the book Quote Worthy