Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes. - Marilyn Sokol
I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair. - Jarod Kintz
It’s always useful to know where a friend-and-relation is, whether you want him or whether you don’t. - Winnie the Pooh
The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you’re swimming and when you’re angry. - Unknown
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him. - Cher
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others. - Ambrose Bierce
Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don’t you? - Ben Hogan
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night - Dave Barry
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages. - Terry Pratchett
Video games are a waste of time for men with nothing else to do. - Ray Bradbury
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