Humorous Quotes

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks but a divorce is something you always have. - Woody Allen

Many brief follies – that is what you call love. And your marriage puts an end to many brief follies, with a single long stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Beauty, of course, is an asset. But the girls who have greenbacks don’t have to worry over not having pink faces. - Robert Elliott Gonzales

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. - Christopher Hampton

I told her I’d wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who’d give me a ride home. - Jarod Kintz

Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice. - Bill Cosby

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you’d be twice as funny as you are now. - Cassandra Clare

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. - Rodney Dangerfield

Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute. - David Letterman

The secret of eternal youth is arrested development. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

You never run out of things that can go wrong. - Edward A. Murphy (Murphy’s Law)

Pride must be a summer thing, because it comes before the fall. - Jarod Kintz

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