Humorous Qotes

Quotes which are funny, ironical, quirky, some of which are also profoundly true.

Whenever the occasion arose, he rose to the occasion. - Jonathan Brown

Where sits our sulky, sullen dame, Gathering her brows like gathering storm, Nursing her wrath to keep it warm. - Robert Burns

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries. - Unknown

While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don’t keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. - Edward Stevenson

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, Well, okay, that’s enough of that. - George Carlin

Why do born-again people so often make you wish they’d never been born the first time? - Katharine Whitehorn

Why has not man a microscopic eye? For this plain reason, man is not a fly. - Pope Alexander

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? - Ernest Gaines

Why it is that of all the billions and billions of strange objects in the Cosmos-novas, quasars, pulsars, black holes – you are beyond doubt the strangest? - Walker Percy

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t! - George Bernard Shaw

Wild oats make a bad autumn crop. - Cynic's Calendar

'Will you walk into my parlor?' said a spider to a fly: 'Tis the prettiest little parlor that ever you did spy.' - Mary Howitt 

Wit is a treacherous dart. It is perhaps the only weapon with which it is possible to stab oneself in one’s own back. - Geoffrey Bocca

With just enough of learning to misquote. - Lord Byron

Food For Thought

Press On: Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful individuals with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. - Ray Kroc

Don’t ever feel bad for making a decision about your own life that upsets other people. You are not responsible for their happiness. You’re responsible for your own happiness. Anyone who wants you to live in misery for their happiness should not be in your life to begin with. - Unknown

Quote Worthy

Everything happens when it needs to happen; everyone is always where they need to be. You will never miss out on what is meant for you, even if it has to come to you in a roundabout way. - Ivanla Vabzant

I owe no explanations for my flaws. I don't have to justify my mistakes, my past or my insecurities. I am growing and learning. - Unknown

By choosing to be our most authentic and loving self, we leave a trail of magic everywhere we go. - Emmanuel

Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and the feelings will change. - Barbara Baron

Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. - Lao Tzu

If words don't add up, it's usually because the truth wasn't included in the equation. - Unknown

Always concentrate on how far you’ve come, rather than how far you have to go. - Unknown 

Sometimes in the winds of change we find our true direction. - Unknown

All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today. - Proverb

All the wonders you seek are within  yourself. - Sir Thomas Browne

Remembering Singapore

Paraprosdokians

If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road. - Unknown

Life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits. - Unknown

My mum said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed! - Unknown

Never judge a book by its movie. - Unknown

No sense being pessimistic … it wouldn’t work anyway. - John Robb

Reading can seriously damage your ignorance. - Unknown

Someday you’ll go far. Please stay there. - Unknown

The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it. - Unknown

Wine is a bad thing. It makes you quarrel with your neighbour, it makes you shoot at your landlord, it makes you – miss him. - Ossip Gabrilowitsch

Writing is easy. All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on  your forehead. - Gene Fowler

You never appreciate what you have till it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example. - Unknown

Massage Your Fingers

Which Finger Should You Massage To Get Rid Of Headaches

http://positivemed.com/2015/04/13/which-finger-should-you-massage-to-get-rid-of-headaches/

How To Massage Your Fingers To Get Rid Of Cold, Sore Throat, Relieve Headache and Pain In The Sinuses

http://www.healthyfoodhouse.com/how-to-massage-your-fingers-to-get-rid-of-cold-sore-throat-relieve-headache-pain-in-the-sinuses/

Humorous Quotes

Quotes which are funny, ironical, quirky, some of which are also profoundly true.

When I was young there was no respect for the young, and now that I am old there is no respect for the old. I missed out coming and going. - J. B. Priestley

When people tell you how young you look, they are also telling you how old you are. - Cary Grant

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? - George Carlin

When the stock market is booming, everyone suddenly becomes an expert stock advisor. When it falls everyone suddenly changes occupation. - Unknown

When they discover the centre of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it. - Bernard Bailey

When they finally find the centre of the universe, there are so many people who are in for a rude awakening. - Unknown

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they “don't understand” one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to. - Helen Rowland

When you are dead, you don’t know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others. It is the same when you are stupid. - Unknown

When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one. - Mark Twain

When you finally make the ends meet, they move the ends. - Matt Biershbach

When you see what some women marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen Rowland

When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snapback. - Bill Copeland

When you’ve told someone that you’ve left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once. - Samuel Butler

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" It is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. - Erma Bombeck

Food For Thought

Every day we have plenty of opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. But what you're doing when you indulge these negative emotions is giving something outside yourself power over your happiness. You can choose to not let little things upset you. - Joel Osteen

The only way that we can live is if we grow. The only way we can grow is if we change. The only way we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we are exposed is if we throw ourselves into the open. - C. Joybell

The sun shines on the saint and the sinner alike, and too often it seems that the wicked prosper. But we can say with certainty that, with the individual as with the nation, the flourishing of the wicked is an illusion, for, unceasingly, life keeps books on us all. - Unknown

Quote Worthy

One of the deepest urges in life is to grow. Trees burst through the soil, cocoons emerge into butterflies, babies become adolescents. We must grow and fulfil our changing needs if we are to feel vital and fully alive. -  Richard J. Leider

If you shoot for the stars and hit the moon, it’s OK. But you’ve got to shoot for something. A lot of people don’t even shoot. - Confucius

Work hard, do the best you can, don't ever lose faith in yourself and take no notice of what other people say about you. - Noel Coward

No one notices your tears. No one notices your sadness. no one notices your pain. But everyone notices your mistakes. - Unknown

Sometimes quiet people really do have a lot to say, they're just being careful about who they open up to. - Unknown

A man must take the fat and the lean; that’s what he must make up his mind to in this life. - Unknown

Be strong enough to let go and patient enough to wait for what you deserve. - Unknown

Don't be afraid to start over. It's a chance to build what you really want. - Unknown

Sometimes faith and a sense of humour really can be all you need. - Amy Lane

Expect nothing and appreciate everything. - Unknown

My Artworks

More of my artworks from days gone by.