Humorous Quotes

Quotes which are funny, ironic, as well as simply, or profoundly true.

Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better. - Joe E. Lewis

Burglars, judging by our statistics, define opportunity as an unoccupied, unlocked house stocked with portable television sets. - Gerald Cvetko

Business was his aversion; pleasure was his business. - Anon

But when I don’t smoke I scarcely feel as if I’m living. I don’t feel as if I’m living unless I’m killing myself. - Russell Hoban

By all means marry; if you get a good wife you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

By common consent gray hairs are a crown of glory; the only object of respect that can never excite envy. - George Bancroft

By the time you find out what makes the world goes round, you are too dizzy to care. - Unknown

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work 12 hours a day. - Robert Frost

Chain letters are the postal equivalent of intestinal flu: you get it and pass it along to your friends. - Bob Garfield

Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector. It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully. - Graham Greene

Changing husbands is only changing troubles. - Kathleen Norris

Cheer up! The worst is yet to come! - Philander Johnson

Chemists employed by the police can do remarkable things with blood. They can find it in shreds of cloth, in the interstices of floor boards, on the iron of a heel, and can measure it and swear to it and weave it into a rope to hang a man. - Margery Allingham

Comfort zones are plush lined coffins. When you stay in your plush lined coffins, you die. - Stan Dale