Some Jokes

I took a cab the other day and the driver said to me, “I love my job, I own this car. I’ve got my own business, I’m my own boss, and NO ONE tells me what to do ...”

I said, “Turn left here.” 

 *************

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”

The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

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A man who was fond of wine was offered some grapes at dessert after dinner. "Much obliged," said he, pushing the plate aside, "I am not accustomed to take my wine in pills." - Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

Food for thought

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The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity. - Benjamin Franklin

Wisdom is the right use of knowledge. To know is not to be wise. Many men know a great deal, and are all the greater fools for it. There is no fool so great a fool as a knowing fool. But to know how to use knowledge is to have wisdom. - Charles Spurgeon

With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose. - Dr. Wayne W Dyer

Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe. - Frederick Douglass

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Humorous Quotes

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He was of an impressible nature, and lived a great deal in other people’s opinions and feelings concerning himself. - George Eliot

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. - Jack Handey

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. - Chauncey Mitchell Depew

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar Wilde

Don't be conceited: even postage stamps become useless when they get stuck on themselves. - Evan Esar

If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate. - Diogenes the Cynic

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. So does not having health insurance. - Joe Hickman

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life! - Unknown

Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it. - Candace Bushnell

I always read my wife’s horoscope to see what kind of day I am going to have. - Unknown

For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat. - Unknown

Careful is a naked man climbing a barbwire fence. - Ken Alstad

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Life - Quotes

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life. - Omar Khayyam

He who lives in the present lives in eternity. - Ludwig Wittgenstein

I certainly don’t regret my experiences because without them, I couldn’t imagine who or where I would be today. Life is an amazing gift to those who have overcome great obstacles, and attitude is everything! - Sasha Azevedo 

It is possible to cross an ocean without wetting legs, but it is impossible to cross Life without wetting your eyes. - Unknown

Life ... does not need pleasure to be added to it as an appendage, but contains pleasure in itself. - Aristotle

Life is hell, at some point we all just have to get used to it. - Alysha Speer 

Life would be no better than candlelight tinsel and daylight rubbish if our spirits were not touched by what has been. - George Eliot

Live not one’s life as though one had a thousand years, but live each day as the last. - Marcus Aurelius

Sometimes life doesn’t go the way you planned. That doesn’t mean you have to give up, it means you have to push harder for what you want. - Unknown

The pleasantest things in the world are pleasant thoughts: and the great art of life is to have as many of them as possible.- Montaigne

We must look for ways to be an active force in our own lives. We must take charge of our own destinies, design a life of substance and truly begin to live our dreams. - Les Brown

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Quote Worthy

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Some promises are always unspoken, some memoires are always unwritten. Feel the magic of true relation and you will realize that true feelings are always unspoken. - Unknown

Neither a wise man nor a brave man lies down on the tracks of history to wait for the train of the future to run over him. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

People think I’m weak. The fact is, they just don’t know now how strong I am struggling every single day to stay alive. - Unknown

Once we figured out that we could not change each other, we became free to celebrate ourselves as we are. - H. Dean Rutherford

The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection. - Thomas Paine

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves – regret for the past and fear of the future. - Fulton Oursler

If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders.  - Unknown

We all make mistakes, everybody should be given a second-chance. - Lailah Gifty Akita

Talent isn’t genius and no amount of energy can make it so. - Louisa May Alcott

You can put wings on a pig, but you don’t make it an eagle. - Bill Clinton

Leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today. - Abraham Lincoln

Real riches are the riches possessed inside. - B.C. Forbes

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Success - Quotes

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To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is time to stop looking outside yourself for the answers to why you haven't created the life and results you want, for it is you who creates the quality of life you lead and the results you produce. You – no one else! To achieve major success in life – to achieve those things that are most important to you – you must assume 100% responsibility for your life. Nothing less will do. - Jack Canfield

I'm convinced that business success in the future starts with the question, What should I do with my life? Yes, that's right.... People don't succeed by migrating to a "hot" industry (one word: dotcom) or by adopting a particular career-guiding mantra (remember "horizontal careers"?). They thrive by focusing on the question of who they really are – and connecting that to work that they truly love (and, in so doing, unleashing a productive and creative power that they never imagined). - Po Bronson

Success is in the student, not in the university; greatness is in the individual, not in the library; power is in the man, not in his crutches. A great man will make opportunities, even out of the commonest and meanest situations. If a man is not superior to his education, is not larger than his crutches or his helps, if he is not greater than the means of his culture, which are but the sign-boards pointing the way to success, he will never reach greatness. Not learning, not culture alone, not helps and opportunities, but personal power and sterling integrity, make a man great. - Orison Swett Marden

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Food For Thought

You’ve got to follow your passion. You’ve got to figure out what it is you love - who you really are. And have the courage to do that. I believe that the only courage anybody ever needs is the courage to follow your own dream. - Oprah Winfrey

Yes is how you get your first job, and your next job, and your spouse, and even your kids. Even if it’s a bit edgy, a bit out of your comfort zone, saying yes means that you will do something new, meet someone new and make a difference. - Eric Schmidt

 You can’t outwit fate by standing on the side-lines placing little side bets about the outcome of life. Either you wade in and risk everything you have to play the game or you don’t play at all. And if you don’t play you can’t win. - Judith McNaught

You do not even have to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet. - Franz Kafka

You may not always have a comfortable life and you will not always be able to solve all of the world’s problems at once but don’t ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own. - Michelle Obama

Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colours. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving. - Terry Pratchett

Body Tricks

Body tricks that solve aches and pains. Give it a try and see if it works on you.

And have a look at the video - Headache relief with pressure points.

http://www.lifeaspire.com/6056/these-odd-body-tricks-will-solve-so-many-aches-and-pains/?utm_source=wimp&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=main&src=wimp

Please copy and paste the link if clicking on it doesn't work

Change - Quotes

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A change is as good as a rest. - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

A competitive world offers two possibilities. You can lose. Or, if you want to win, you can change. - Lester Thurow

A state without the means of some change is without the means of its conservation. - Edmund Burke

A tiny change today brings a dramatically different tomorrow. - Richard Bach

All is change; all yields its place and goes. - Euripedes

All that you touch, you Change. All that you Change, Changes you. The only lasting truth is Change. - Octavia E. Butler

All things must change, to something new, to something strange. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

All you can change is yourself, but sometimes that changes everything! - Gary W Goldstein

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another. - Anatole France

And that is how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time. - Libba Bray

Any change is resisted because bureaucrats have a vested interest in the chaos in which they exist. - Richard Nixon

By changing nothing, nothing changes. - Tony Robbins

By the process of directly working in harmony with nature, we do the one thing most essential to change the world; we change ourselves. - Jules Dervaes

Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal. - Arthur Schopenhauer

Change demands new learning. - Rosabeth Moss Kanter

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Humorous Quotes

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We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made. - Dan Quayle

Even the most staid and respectable husband likes for his wife to think he is a devil among the women. - Robert Elliot Gonzales

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. - Mae West

I’m very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences. - Graham Parke

Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge. - David Mellor

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night. - Unknown

Families with babies, and families without babies, are so sorry for each other. - Edgar Watson Howe

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. - Carrie Snow

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be. - Paul Valery

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. - Phyllis Diller

Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb

I am a better person when I have less on my plate. - Elizabeth Gilbert

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