Sunday, 28 December 2014

Miscellaneous Wit

It’s silly for a woman to go to a male gynaecologist. It’s like going to an auto mechanic who never owned a car. - Carrie Snow

The question asked “Have you ever been convicted of a crime” followed by “Explain why”. So I put “No” and “Good lawyer”. - Unknown

One spelling mistake can destroy your life ...
A husband sent this to his wife: "I'm having a wonderful time. Wish you were her."
Yes madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. - Winston Churchill

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken looked at him and said, “Don’t do it man … you will never hear the end of it!” - Unknown

A pharmaceutical truck full of Viagra was stolen today. Police have asked the public to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals. - Unknown

You only need two tools in life WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn‘t move and should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, Duct Tape. - Unknown

I have neither Twitter or Instagram. Therefore, I walk around the streets and proclaims to randomly selected what I eat, what I drink, how I have it at home etc. after all, it is important to build networks. So far I have three followers. One is apparently a doctor, the others are police officers. - Unknown 

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence? - George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me they’re cramming for their final exam. - George Carlin

Noel Coward: Edna, you look almost like a man.
Edna Ferber: So do you.

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