Living with kids is like living in a frat house ... everything’s broken, nobody sleeps, and there’s a lot of throwing up. - Ray Romano
Twenty-one is the age of responsibility. Give it a few months and you will be wondering why you are in such a hurry to get here. - Unknown
Some mornings I just feel like breaking the damn alarm but then one thing always stops me. I paid hundreds of dollars to buy my phone. - Job Might
If you could read my mind you’d back away slowly then run for your life. - Unknown
There's one thing about baldness; it's neat. - Don Herold
You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down. - David Letterman
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. - Unknown
Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don’t you? - Ben Hogan
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. - Unknown
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk. - Unknown
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. - Bobcat Goldthwait
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. - Groucho Marx
It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office. - Shirley MacLaine
It’s better to be late than to arrive ugly. - Makeup Artists Meet
People say that love is even more important than money; they have never tried paying their bills with a hug. - Unknown
Love... a dangerous disease instantly cured by marriage. - Unknown
Ladies who play with fire must remember that smoke gets in their eyes. - Mae West
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. - Billy Rose
Some people talk to animals. Not many listen though. That’s the problem. - A. A. Milne
Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat. - Unknown
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