Humorous Quotes

I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar. - Demetri Martin

When a diplomat says yes, he means perhaps; when he says perhaps, he means no; when he says no, he is no diplomat. - Vernon K. McLellan

All right, brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer. - Homer

Love thy neighbour – and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier. - Mae West

Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose. - Evan Esar

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done. - Peter Ustinov

Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. - Woody Allen

There's nothing the matter with Hollywood that a good earthquake couldn't cure. - Moss Hart

A leading authority is anyone who has guessed right more than once. - Frank A. Clark

The uglier a man's legs are the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. - H. G. Wells

We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong. - Unknown

I keep eating for fear I will be hungry. - Mason Cooley

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Let it Mellow

8 important reasons you should always ‘Let it mellow’ when you pee.

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http://www.littlethings.com/reasons-not-to-flush/?utm_source=wimp&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=healthy

Change - Quotes

Change is the law of life and those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future. - John F. Kennedy

Change is the process by which the future invades our lives. - Alvin Toffler

Change isn't always good. Sometimes changing things is a terrible mistake. - Bob Barker

Change only happens when you change yourself. - Sophie

Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. - Barack Obama

Change your thoughts and you change your world. - Norman Vincent Peale

Change is not merely necessary to life – it is life. - Alvin Toffler

Change. It's the only thing that you can count on; and it happens, even when we don't want it to. - Carly Corinthos

Do not cherish the unworthy desire that the changeable might become the unchanging. - Gautama Buddha

Don’t be upset and caught up with things or people you cannot change. Instead, move on, let go and concentrate on what you can change. - Unknown

Each of us has the opportunity to change and grow until our very last breath. Happy creating. - M. F. Ryan

Embracing change is never easy, but the reward for doing so can be far greater than anything you can imagine. - Unknown

He who rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery. - Harold Wilson

How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change. And how ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be. - Elizabeth Lesser

If you can change your mind, you can change your life. - William James

More on Change Here

Quote Worthy

People suffer because they are caught in their views. As soon as we release those views, we are free and we don’t suffer anymore. Mindfulness helps you go home to the present. Life is available only in the present. - Thich Nhat Hanh

You are not the only one that makes mistakes or say things that you regret. No matter what people tell you, we’re all just figuring out this life together. - Anthony Gucciardi

The major problems in the world are the result of the difference between how nature works and the way people think. - Gregory Bateson

There is probably nothing more sublime than discontent transmuted into a work of art, a scientific discovery, and so on. - Eric Hoffer

We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality. - Seneca

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith. - Mary Manin Morrissey

If something doesn't go your way, it's probably because you didn't work that hard at it. - Chris Simms

The good composer is slowly discovered; the bad composer is slowly found out. - Ernest Newman

When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are. - Donald Miller

Sometimes, the only way to find yourself is to get completely lost. - Unknown

In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. - Janos Arnay

And in today already walks tomorrow. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

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Trivia

Quotes by Experts, later proved terribly wrong.

Aeroplanes are interesting toys but are of no military value. - Maréchal Ferdinand Foch, 1911

The Edsel is here to stay. - Henry Ford II, 1957

The Titanic is well able to withstand almost any exterior damage and could keep afloat indefinitely after being struck. - P. Franklin, Vice President, International Mercantile Marine, April 15th 1912

I do not consider Hitler to be as bad as he is depicted. He is showing an ability that is amazing and he seems to be gaining his victories without much bloodshed. - Mahatma Gandhi, 1940

If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one. - Dr. W. C. Heuper, National Cancer Institute, 1954

Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of axphyxia. - Professor Dionysus Lardner, 1830

Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within ten years. - Alex Lewyt, vacuum cleaner manufacturer, 1957

Inventions reached their limit long ago and I see no hope for further development. - Julius Sextus Frontinus, prominent Roman engineer (c. 40-103 AD)

640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981

The machine gun is a much overrated weapon; two per battalion is more than sufficient. - General Douglas Haig, 1915

I have not the smallest molecule of faith in aerial navigation other than ballooning. - Lord Kelvin, President of Royal Society, 1890

X-Rays will prove to be a hoax. - Lord Kelvin, President of Royal Society, 1895

Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. - Lord Kelvin, President of Royal Society, 1896

Radio has no future. - Lord Kelvin, President of Royal Society, 1898

This is the biggest fool thing we have ever done. The bomb will never go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives. - Admiral William D. Leahy, on the atomic bomb, 1945

This fool wishes to reverse the entire science of astronomy; but the sacred scripture tells us that Joshua commanded the sun to stand still, not the earth. - Martin Luther, 1540

I can accept the theory of relativity as little as I can accept the existence of atoms and other such dogma. - Professor Ernst Mach (as in speed-of-sound measurement), 1913

The Internet will catastrophically collapse in 1996. - Robert Metcalfe, internet inventor (date unknown)

There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. The glib supposition of utilizing atomic energy when our coal has run out is a completely unscientific Utopian dream, a childish bug-a-boo. Nature has introduced a few fool-proof devices into the great majority of elements that constitute the bulk of the world, and they have no energy to give up in the process of disintegration. - Robert Millikan, Nobel prize winner in physics, 1920

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Food for Thought

In the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime. It's the difference between the path you walk and the one you leave behind; it's the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are; it’s the legroom for the lies you'll tell yourself in the future. - Jodi Picoult

It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on. - Nicholas Sparks

If one wants to be active, one must not be afraid of going wrong, one must not be afraid of making mistakes now and then. Many people think that they will become good just by doing no harm – but that’s a lie … That way lies stagnation, mediocrity. - Vincent van Gogh

If the individual is narrowly concentrated on the goal, to the exclusion of other relevant aspects of the problem situation, he is often unable to achieve a solution. The creative thinker must stand sufficiently detached from his work. - Mary Henle

If you can develop this ability to see what you look at, to understand its meaning, to readjust your knowledge to this new information, you can continue to learn and to grow as long as you live and you'll have a wonderful time doing it. - Eleanor Roosevelt

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Humorous Quotes

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. - Lenny Bruce

When two people meet, each one is changed by the other so you got two new people. Maybe that means – hell, it's complicated. - John Steinbeck

Some McDonald's restaurants are taking reservations on Valentine's Day. They are getting a lot of tables for one. - Conan O’Brien

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

A lawyer is a gentleman that rescues your estate from your enemies and then keeps it to himself. - Henry P. Brougham

We're in a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit. - David Suzuki

I love it when I buy a bag of air and the company is nice enough to put some chips in. - Unknown

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more. - Wilson Mizener

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. - Unknown

My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence. - Edith Sitwell

I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. - Woody Allen

A woman who doesn’t wear perfume has no future. - Coco Chanel

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Happiness

Everyone is Obsessed with Happiness and It’s Making us Miserable. Here’s Why!
Mark DeNicola

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaIPe2F_SMs

8 Mental Shifts to Help Trigger Success and Happiness.
Mark DeNicola

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDeeuoRDhE0

Click on the links to see the videos by Mark DeNicola

Quote Worthy

It is really quite amazing by what margins competent but conservative scientists and engineers can miss the mark, when they start with the preconceived idea that what they are investigating is impossible. - Arthur C. Clarke

The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery. There comes a leap in consciousness, call it intuition or what you will, and the solution comes to you and you don’t know how or why. - Albert Einstein

Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be. - Karen Ravn

If a man is to shed the light of the sun upon other men, he must first of all have it within himself. - Romain Rolland

The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river. - Ross Perot

Putting off an easy thing makes it hard. Putting off a hard thing makes it impossible. - George Claude Lorimer

A mental stain can neither be blotted out by the passage of time nor washed away by any waters. - Cicero

Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. - Paulo Coelho

How dreadful knowledge of the truth can be when there’s no help in truth! - Sophocles

There are causes worth dying for, but none worth killing for. - Albert Camus

Always chase your dreams instead of running from your fears. - Unknown

If it seems easy, you’re doing it wrong. - T. Washington

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Definitions You Won’t See In The Dictionary

Beauty: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. - Ambrose Bierce

Blasphemy: a law to protect an all-powerful, supernatural deity from getting its feelings hurt. - Unknown

Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings. - Oliver Herford

Chemicals: noxious substances from which modern foods are made. - Unknown

Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth – two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. - Ambrose Bierce

Compromise: such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due. - Ambrose Bierce

Custard: a detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook. - Ambrose Bierce

Cynic: a blackguard whose faulty visions sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. - Ambrose Bierce

Cynic: a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing. - Oscar Wilde

Democracy: the state of affairs in which you consent to having your pocket picked, and elect the best man to do it. - Benjamin Lichtenberg

Destiny: a tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. - Ambrose Bierce

Diplomacy: the patriotic art of lying for one's country. - Ambrose Bierce

Education: that which reveals to the wise and conceals from the stupid the vast limits of their knowledge - Mark Twain

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty. - Mark Twain

Egotist: a person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. - Ambrose Bierce