Beauty: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. - Ambrose Bierce
Blasphemy: a law to protect an all-powerful, supernatural deity from getting its feelings hurt. - Unknown
Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings. - Oliver Herford
Chemicals: noxious substances from which modern foods are made. - Unknown
Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth – two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. - Ambrose Bierce
Compromise: such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due. - Ambrose Bierce
Custard: a detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook. - Ambrose Bierce
Cynic: a blackguard whose faulty visions sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. - Ambrose Bierce
Cynic: a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing. - Oscar Wilde
Democracy: the state of affairs in which you consent to having your pocket picked, and elect the best man to do it. - Benjamin Lichtenberg
Destiny: a tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. - Ambrose Bierce
Diplomacy: the patriotic art of lying for one's country. - Ambrose Bierce
Education: that which reveals to the wise and conceals from the stupid the vast limits of their knowledge - Mark Twain
Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty. - Mark Twain
Egotist: a person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. - Ambrose Bierce
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